Monday, June 02, 2008

No Takesy Backsies

I don't get out much. Literally. The last time I left the house was Saturday afternoon, it is now Tuesday morning. I have my excuses, I wrote 3000 words on Sunday - which I edited on Monday.

When I do happen to leave my apartment, I am guaranteed to have some kind of awkward encounter. Some of them I can see coming. Like when Jess and I go anywhere together, I am pretty sure embarrassment will soon follow. I am totally okay with that. I dance in streets, I trip a lot, I sing Elton John songs at inappropriate volumes. These things are all parts of my personality which I like to think of as kooky, but most people probably say is a big slice of The Crazy.

There are sometimes when I leave my apartment where I say or do something that slips out of my very being uninvited and unwelcomed. It is these things that I wish I could take back. Whether it is something blurted out due to nervousness, or an action that redefines your relationship.

It is these things, dear internets, that I tend not to share with you. And it is not that I always regret these unfortunate things afterwards, but at the time, I always wish I could take them back.

Remember that scene in Good Will Hunting where Skylar and Will are lying in bed together. Skylar asks Will to move to California with her and Will goes on a long rant about how it is such a big thing that she will want to take it back. But it can't be taken back.

Or actually more appropriately for me that scene where Skylar decides they should get the goodnight kiss over with. Will's all 'right now?' she's like 'yeah right now' they have their mouths full with hamburger and they kiss and giggle. And Skylar says 'I think i got a bit of your pickle.' I'd be all take that back! and I even like pickles!

It is these times, these times when we want to take something back that reveals how truly vulnerable we really are. I spend my days avoiding that vulnerability, dodging intimacy, because I never want to say something or give something that I will someday want to take back.

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