Monday, September 08, 2008

Deidre v. Insecurity: Sappy Mess

This is the post that I don't want to write. But I can't help but write it. It's been stewing inside my brain for weeks - I'd go as far as to say it's co-opted most of my creative brain power.

I've been scared to write it because I thought it involved Not Daniel, but the truth is it's about me. He just happens to be the catalyst for the this particular round of insecurity.

When things get awkward or uncomfortable, as they are apt to do when I'm involved, my instinct is to try and be funny. Hilarity is rarely mine.

I'm uncomfortable with things that typically happen in bedrooms, occasionally kitchen floors, and I've heard from time to time other exotic locations like the shower. And no, I'm not talking about clipping one's toe nails (see! I can't help myself).

In recent weeks, I've been spending more time being awkward in bedrooms than normal. In an uncomfortable discussion about why I am uneasy with things clipping one's toe nails, Not Daniel asked me why I am so scared of trusting him.

Damn if I know.

A few ideas: I am scared of intimacy, of getting hurt, of the "dating spiral," of opening myself up to someone I barely know, of being vulnerable, of being out of control, of change, and of the risk that is involved in letting go.

Not to mention, I don't want to do any of those things for the wrong reasons, but it's tricky to pick out what the right ones are, you know?

But what is so bad about sharing a bed with someone and having them kiss the back of your neck as you drift off to sleep, doesn't that sound lovely? And, if I had a nickel for every time I said "no scar, no story"...

So, I keep telling myself to trust a little more, take slightly bigger risks, and let go of a few insecurities. I am trying, but ask me tomorrow and I might take it all back.

3 comments:

  1. I like to call them rocking chair stories.

    One day when I am old and crinkly and translucent, and I am sitting on my rocking chair, I will be damned if I ever begin a musing with "What if"...

    What if I had taken that trip to Paris for that scholarship...

    What if I hadn't quit from stand up comedy at 32?

    What if I had chosen to become a woman instead of a man when god gave me that choice?

    I don't like What Ifs. So each day, my goal is to NOT have a rocking chair question. Because by then (and I quote Phoebe Buffay)

    "You end up trying to kick yourself in the, which is pretty hard to do when you're old and that's how you get a broken hip". :P

    Oh Captain, My Captain! :)

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  2. Phoebe has given us many pearls of wisdom. I particularly like the episode where she and Ross argue over evolution.

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  3. Oh I know!

    "... I can't believe you caved..." the look on her face AND Ross'... priceless. HAHAHA!

    She's my favorite, although my friends say I'm a dead ringer for Monica. But I especially like her songs!

    "The cow in the meadow goes moo. The cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up and that's how we get hamburgers. Nowwwwwww, chickens!" ROFLMAO!

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