Friday, January 16, 2009

Angsty Jazz Hands in 'Nam. Or Something.

I got a haircut on Wednesday. Jessie thinks it is awesome. My roommate thought I'd fallen asleep with wet hair which I interpret to mean she isn't so fond of it. I think it is everything Flashdance and feel empty without my welding equipment so I use jazz hands instead.

In non-hair related news, I've now lived in Australia for over a year. It's gone by so quickly I am already dreading having to make further decisions. Today I was at Jess' house, doing a craft project to be revealed at a later date, and she said (well this is the gist of what she said, its possible she's been misquoted...apologies) "[Your mom] and I are in denial about the same thing for her its that you're obviously coming home which I hear as you're staying here." I'm in denial too, I never what to choose. I am pretty sure I can live in both?

I'd like to share with you the very angst ridden writing of 10 January 2008 from my journal (Sarah Brown does Cringe where people get together and read their adolescent writings that are cringe worthy but now can laugh at...I have to wonder when does the writing stop being angsty and full of cringe?)

The plane to LA.
Scared. Reaching for all this stuff that I feel I should want. A job, a career, a calling, something I am good at. But what I really want is someone to go on adventures with. I want that someone who sits next to you at the gate and holds your hand during take off. When is it my turn?
I tried to sleep during take off. Opting to take off my glasses and pretend I'm in a dreamland until the ding. Now as we glide over clouds and cities, I look out the window, hoping beyond hope that I'm going to figure this out. Figure out why Australia is so important, why I'd risk being with my family for this. This flying around.

And so begins a pattern that started at an early age. When my brother moved away for college I was 6 years old. The year before he left, to get myself ready for his departure, I went into a deep mourning period. I tend to prematurely say goodbye as a way to make the actual event easier. I can feel myself already getting stressed and anxious about my pending decision of what to do next. I think most people feel this after college, but I was all ready to go to graduate school or teach school in 'nam.

All I know for sure is that in Australia I am, for whatever reason, far more capable of being my super self than I have ever been anywhere else.


  1. Your hair looks cute. I never tire of your hair stories. Just so you know.

    I didn't cringe when I read last year's journal entry. I think you're exactly where you're supposed to be right now.

    I would have given anything to have the opportunities and experiences you're having right now. The world is small, life is short - one day at a time. Everything's gonna be just fine - you're a smart and well-intentioned person. I'm excited for all that your future holds! Yay you!

  2. Well, thanks Chris! I am glad that my hair continues to intrigue you :)