Friday, April 17, 2009

No, no, it's easy to understand...see first I fly home, then I fly home. Oh, nevermind.

I bought my plane tickets back to the States today for a visit. Last year, when I purchased tickets home I was so excited. Bubbly and thrilled to be seeing everyone. This year, the jubilant attitude is lacking. So much so that even my travel agent could sense my reluctance to purchase the tickets. Going home means I am one step closer to December when I finish my degree and have to either move back to the USA or hurt my family by staying here. It's not a choice I want to make. I feel inept in making it like I am missing the vital tools and skills to logically develop a course of action. My throat tightens up every time I think about it and occasionally I can even get a good lip tremble going too. What am I going to do?

This upcoming week is going to be a mess I already feel myself pulled in 9000 different directions. I have dates lined up and a 20 page paper looming before me. Yoga classes to take and research to be done. Career centers to be visited and internships to apply for. Therapists to see - yes, I've started to see a therapist to help me make a decision about where I am going to move.

When I lived in Colorado, people at the Liquor Business would always ask me where I was from and where I was going and I'd always reply that I was currently without home or country. Now, as I was writing in my daily planner the dates I am flying it looked like this "June 10 - flying home...July 17 - flying home." Too many homes? For many it seems that home is where their partner is. It is the little nook that they create for their family and yes it seems that some locations are better suited to some than others but the couple/family can make it work anywhere. I don't have that significant other to help me make a home anywhere, I have to rely on my gut. Home is this intense feeling I get in my stomach when something just feels right. It's a moment of safety when I am normally so scared. But as John Cusack says in High Fidelity: "Well, I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."

But still, Melbourne just feels right.

13 comments:

  1. Sometimes home is simply where you are. I hope you find clarity, and if not, just start nesting.

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  2. I have two homes, the one I actually live in and the city I grew up in. Then again, I also always say "let's go home" when I'm on vacation and referring to our hotel room so obviously I make myself comfortable quite easily. :)

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  3. Chris - Thanks! Nesting, huh? Maybe I'll give that a go.

    x - I've never called anywhere else home besides the house I grew up in. Until now that is. Even in college, I never called the dorms home! Sounds like you've got a good system though - maybe I'll give it a go.

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  4. I think you should stay in Melbourne. I know I'm not being very supportive of your tough decision. Sorry!!!

    It just seems from what you've said that the only reason you wouldn't stay in Melbourne is obligation to your family.

    I think if you leave Melbourne, you're going to always resent your family.

    I have a feeling Melbourne is where you're meant to be.

    I'm sure you love your family. But I really think you can keep in touch from far-away. And you can always move back at some point...probably?

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  5. Go with your gut, Melbourne sounds great and if it feels like home that's what it is. Also what's wrong with being 'at home' somewhere for a while - and then being 'at home' somewhere else.... blimey I've just realised that I could write a whole book on this subject...

    Don't believe that shit about it being easier as a couple - it's not it's more difficult

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  6. Dina - In some ways you're absolutely right! But then again, there are times that I am inconsolably homesick and want nothing more than to be back in New England.

    Lulu - Please do write a whole book on the subject and get it published ASAP!

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  7. I have recently started to feel the pull of "home" too. Granted I don't live half way around the world, but just 4 hours south. However, it is hard when you feel at "home" in both places. I use to think that moving home meant that I was giving part of the self I made not at home up. I don't think this is true anymore. I realize that everything you do you take to wherever you move next. I think that if I move "home" I will probably be better then before.

    It sounds like you are not ready to leave. I think your family will understand this. They just want you to be happy. Yes, they will be sad that you are thousands of miles away still, but if you come home and wish you were somewhere else that would be worst. Staying doesn't mean you will never come back to the States. Coming back to the States doesn't mean you will never go back to Australia. It is a tough decision. It sucks trying to figure out what to do with your life. Good Luck!!

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  8. I think home is where you are, too. We all make homes where we are.

    I'd stay in Melbourne. Even if you were in the states, it wouldn't mean you be visiting the family all that often.

    Just be sure to keep and emergency visit savings account --- so you'll always be able to go to the family if there is a need.

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  9. Megs - Thanks your input and support! Yes my parents totally support me - but I totally understand why its hard for them to encourage me to stay 15,000 miles away from them.

    Tokenblogger - See I've lived in places that aren't home. I spent 4 years somewhere that was most definitely NOT my home. I think the "feeling" at home, for me, is much more rare.

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  10. That's a tough decision to make, for sure. But if you feel like OZ is home, embrace it! It's exciting! Many people can't do that. And just because you decide to stay on for now, doesn't mean you've decided to stay on forever. I'm sure you're family would understand that. Or maybe they wouldn't. I dunno. You don't want to look back with regret right? Your family will always be your family. I'm totally rambling now with all of these thoughts, but I think you should just do what feels right. It really seems to me that you aren't ready to go back to the States. So stay away! This place is a mess now anyway.

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  11. D, stop it.

    you don't need a partner to identify what "home" is. trust me. you don't.

    thing is. sometimes you find a city that just fits you. and you know me, i've gone all over in search of just that. and then i moved to chicago. and it really works for me. i've never ever thought of settling down before. shoot, i think everyone successfully describes me as a rolling stone that gathers no moss. but i'm not so sure if that's accurate anymore. i have always been waiting for the next big adventure. or the next destination to explore. but honestly, i can't imagine some place fitting better for me than chicago. (and that was before i met my gf - she's just an added bonus). sometimes you just have to trust your gut.

    and your family will understand. sure, they'll be sad because you're far. and really if i were smart i'd tell you to come back stateside because i'm sad that you're far too. but if you really love melbourne. if that's the city that fits you. then you should stay. you can always move back here and we will all welcome you with open arms.

    also re: the therapist. nothing wrong with that. you know why i started seeing a therapist? because i couldn't sleep (no joke). and it was the best decision i ever made. therapy is a good thing.

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  12. It does sound like it's your family obligations that would drive a return to the USA and I'm not sure that's being very true to yourself if you leave Melbourne for that reason alone. I know it's not easy...all the best with your decisionmaking.

    (were your comments always moderated?)

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  13. Jummy - No, only when the posts are a few days old. Mostly because I tend to not notice when people comment on them! whoops.

    Thanks for all your support!

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