Friday, July 03, 2009

The guide to dating site men....

John-the-Beatle wrote me an e-mail saying some generic remark about dating site women. So, clearly, I had to rebut that statement with this delightful guide to dating site men.

There are several types of guys you can meet on the Dating Site and about 95% of them are sleazeballs. This is a short comprehensive guide to avoiding sleaze while meeting new people, getting out of your comfort zone and going on dates, bitches!

Guy Type Number One: If he writes anything along the lines of "I AM LOOKING FOR A REAL RELATIONSHIP NOT JUST A ONE NIGHT STAND" except using poorer English, incomplete words, and text speak....He is looking for a one night stand. I know, I know - this makes none of the sense. Yet, from experience the first question this guy will ask is "what are you looking for" and when you, young ones, say "some dating, maybe relationship" he will go "Oh....You're not into the one night stands" and then he will block you. True story.

Guy Type Number Two: There is the guy who likes everything you like "I like pubs, going out, but like a quiet night in too" ..If he adds cuddling and walks on the beach - you know he is a liar. This guy should not be befriended. And who wants to date a guy who wants everything you want? No seriously? WHO.

Guy Type Number Three: The guy who leads you on. This guy will talk to you for days...weeks even...perhaps a month. He will hint about going on a date. But that will never happen. He will exchange phone numbers - but never call. In fact, one day he will plan a date....and then cancel. And then when attempts are made to reschedule...He'll ignore you for life. True Story. This guy will break your heart.

Guy Type Number Four: There is the couple. The couple wants a little nice girl next door to join in their bedroom fun. Just say no.

Guy Type Number Five: The guy who invites you into his hotel because he "is in town on business for one night" That happens. For the love of all things holy (god, cheese, rice krispie treats) SAY NO.

Guy Type Number Six: The guy who texts you...calls you...makes dates...cancels dates...and then comes up with some emotional disability that he needs to take care of on his own...there are no words. By the end you'll be glad the texts have stopped.

Guy Type Number Seven: The Hot Guy. He is trouble. He makes you laugh. Is smart - possibly an engineer - has a smokin' hot name (Oliver, James, Fernando, or Charlie). Wants your number. Calls you even! Is supremely interested in the other guys you are dating - obsessively so. And when he finds out that you won't just sleep with him without the rest of the relationship components. He'll break up with you - even though you've never met. Even though, he's already drunk dialed you. Even though...You crack him up. Yeah, true story.

Guy Type Number Eight - The Friend. This guy is a keeper. He is probably younger than you. Since when does age matter? You just GET each other. You'll go to movies. He'll tease you about your nerdy high school past. You'll tease him about his broad generalisations of having seen every movie that was ever important - ahem - yeah.

Guy Type Number Nine: The Enigma. This guy will date you for months without telling you whether he likes you or not. But he's cute, smart, funny...and has that Australian Accent that woos one so completely. He is nothing but trouble with a capital T, but you'll probably adore him, so hang in there because date two is KICK ASS.


  1. I think I have had at least one of every type of guy you have listed contact me. Minus the Aussie accent unfortunately.

    Online dating is a chore.

  2. Even though online dating wasn't around when I was a young thing, I think I have met all those men .....

  3. I have dated #5 hotel guy and #7 hot guy. And they both want the same thing :) But those that won't leave you alone are the real buggers.

  4. Selina - I am sure that these young gents were around and running before the advent of the internet dating...

    Dutch Donut Girl - Mmhmm, mmhmm, You're right the needy ones are all the trouble :)

  5. Loved this so much I linked to it in my blog. Number one is so funny. Number three could also be referred to as "Married Guy." And I'd add the Guy Who Has Been Searching online for years and rejects everyone because he truly believes that perfect imaginary woman is just around the corner.

    Whenever I'm online now, I refer to my handy list of loser red-flags: anyone who is shirtless in his profile pic, anyone who mentions anything about sex or loving/giving massage in his profile, anyone who lists themselves as 'separated',

  6. cj - thanks for linking to me! RIGHT the shirtless guy is definitely A RED FLAG.

  7. God, I need to forward this to my mum. She's obsessively on her dating site and has dates most nights a week. Every guy she's been with has fit into one of the above categories. I almost went down that track, but... yeah, nah.

  8. Sandy - PLease do forward it to your mom :) I dunno. I kind of enjoy the online dating. Mostly because it is SO out of my comfort zone.

  9. I think if I could do online dating with men with accents I might continue to online date. You do a very good job at summing up all the types though.

  10. Meg - the accent DEFINITELY helps. It's just that the accent is hot.

  11. You know I'm gonna say Guy #8 The Friend is the way to go. You may want to date him concurrently with The Enigma, just so you can learn to appreciate The Friend even more when he is there for you and The Enigma flakes.