Sunday, August 02, 2009

Cold and Unresponsive: A post you should probably skip.

First of all, no one get excited. I am not overwhelmed by The Darkness (my own stupidity, maybe), my family hasn't disowned me (although, I need to say I'm sorry to them too), and Mr. Slurpee is still around.

However, this morning as I did my yoga class and was asked to declare an intention for the day I decided I would be intent on forgiving myself. Well, ho boy, did that open a can of worms that no one wanted to see. Now, I am just struggling to say anything except I am sorry. God, I am so sorry!

Self, I am sorry that I am not the girl you thought I'd be. I am sorry I am not as funny and outgoing and I don't sparkle like you thought I would.

I am sorry I get so scared. Even if it is for a fleeting moment. Amazing isn't? I can move around the world all by myself and find that less scary than just saying these words out loud "I like you" or "call me" or picking up the phone or applying for a job or letting someone in.

Most of all I am sorry I am not a yes person. I believe firmly in 'no'. I said no. No I don't want to eat it that, what is it? NO! I can't. I won't. I shouldn't. It scares me. How did I turn into a no person who believes so firmly in YES? How does that happen? And while I can promise I will change and be more yes and less no, we both know, I won't. I may have all the optimism in the world, but I know this is me. And me? I am sorry for that too. But look, its the only me we've got, you know? So, let's buck up? I think everyone is tired of hearing your excuses, and more tired of hearing you apologise for them! You'll change when you're ready.

(Ahem...I am sorry for this post though...).

7 comments:

  1. Don't be sorry for your post, kitten.

    People do what they want to do when they want to do it. You WILL change when you're ready... if you want to. But I think you're great just the way you are! :-)

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  2. Thanks Chris - no one tells you growing up is so hard.

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  3. I love your honesty and sense of humor...you make me smile...#:-)

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  4. You have NOTHING to be sorry for. Your blog is one of the funniest and most sparkly that I read. Be strong, be proud, BE YOU xx

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  5. Anon - Well, thanks. And now I am blushing. So, THAT'S awkward.

    Selina - You're so sweet! When I read your comment I read it like a queer parade cheer. "I'm Strong! I'm Sparkly! I'm Deidre! Get used to it!" It's unfortunate that it doesn't rhyme, but I can't be good at everything, you know?

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  6. Nothing to be sorry about. I could have wrote this post myself but I didn't :)

    You can only be you and that is all anyone can ask.

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  7. BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG HUG.

    You're perfectly you. And really that's all you can ask of yourself. Your time will come.

    (Or if you come to Manila, I can push you out of your comfort zone so fast your time will be like, now.) :P

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