Monday, October 26, 2009

No, I am fine...I just have something in my eye.

This week is the last week of classes. In fact, I only have 3 classes left! Three. Then just a handful of papers and I'll be a person with a Masters degree.

When I graduated from college in 2007, I knew I was going to go to back to school nearly immediately. The next step was right there. So, I assume it's normal to go through this "what's next?" phase. But knowing it's normal doesn't mean I am happy about being so unsure. In fact, just thinking about it makes me sniffle.

Speaking of being unsure, the past month has been rough for me and I chose not to write about it then. The quick summation is that my grandmother passed away and my mom turned 60. Wow, hm, that wasn't so hard to share. Maybe I should share other things too! I rip my toe nails off when I get stressed, I went too far didn't I, with the sharing?

Both events I felt like I should have been home for. It made me question everything. I spent two weeks sitting in my bedroom just sobbing because I felt so bad that I couldn't be there for my family, because I had to make the selfish choice to be happy and be here. It made me doubt every decision I've ever made. But you know how this story ends, the days pass and with each one of them I step out of my front door and say I'm in Australia. You know? I live here. This is home.

Knowing it's home and being happy, you know besides the crying and guilt, doesn't make the homesickness any better. Just sayin'.

And graduating with a Masters degree doesn't make the job search any easier, in fact it hardly makes me more qualified at all. Frankly, it just makes me more stressed out. I'd rather write a thesis than go on the job search. I am tired of being unsure, I am looking for some certainty.

Pass me the juice, I need a drink.

P.S. I am doing NaBloPoMo, are you?


  1. Congrats on finishing your masters. It is something I have yet to do. The hardest thing for me was to walk away from an almost completed masters because it wasn't making me happy. No one understands this because my masters would be from NYU, but walking away from that was the best thing I ever did. I'm sorry about your grandmother but totally understand how you feel. I'm only 6 hours from my family but still in times of crisis 6 hours feels very far away. My grandfather passed away last year and being far away from my family at that time felt not so great. I almost moved back to Boston after that. Staying and living your life is what your family wants you to do. My mother always says to me if your happy then I'm happy. I'm sure your's feels the same way.

  2. Also I promise at some point to post a blow by blow of my marathon weekend. Maybe I'll just post the pics... They are worth a thousand words.

  3. I had the same experience with the Master's, finding out it didn't really make me that much more qualified at all. Haha, whoops...

    I mean, I don't regret it, but now I feel like I would need a PhD to do what I really want to do, and now I'm overqualified for everything else. Good luck to ya! I know the job search is terrible but it will be worth it in the end.

  4. I can relate to how you feel how about the masters - since I'm about to finish my MBA in about 3-4 months from now.

    Sorry to hear about your grandmother and a belated b'day wish for your mom. It must be pretty hot in Australia these days, right?

    P.S. I came across yout blog from Cristina's. :)

  5. I have no idea what it's like to be overqualified! I don't even have a bachelors degree. I used all the years I SHOULD have been in college to figure out what I want to do and that I probably need some college for that.

    As for the family mother is turning 60 this year and also is starting to have significant health problems. Being so far away makes be feel guilty every single day, and I constantly question if I should keep living here. But I love my life and I have a world of opportunities opening up to me. What to DO?!! I wish someone had a book of answers, don't you?

  6. For the record, the job search sucks butt. I'm doing it too. Only in America. Which sucks even more because it's not Australia. It's America. And also, it's going to be winter here soon. You know? When it's cold? And I'm willing to bet that you're about to have summer and GAH THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

  7. Megs - Thanks. Good for you for walking away, that certainly takes guts! That's not quite what my mother says...

    Diary of Why - Right? No one tells you that. harumph!

    Sumit - it's still spring, we've had one day of 28 degrees. Congratulations to you!

    Ev Rev - I could SERIOUSLY use that handbook! It's tough. Perhaps we should throw ourselves a guilt party?

    Bridget - Aw, god yes does the job search suck! Good luck on yours! Boston in winter is very pretty, I promise!

  8. believe me my mother is holding back on something, but over the years she has learned to keep her mouth shut

  9. To answer your question - the first time I gave my foster dog up almost killed me. I blogged about it to help get me through and there's a song on my blog soundtrack I can't listen to without crying. Peanut Butter was my first pibble, the first dog I finally was able to take care of (I've never lived in a dog friendly place since high school) and on top of it all he was like a soulmate. So yeah, tore my heart out to give him up!

  10. I'm sorry about your grandma ... and missing your mom's birthday. It is hard to be away from family, but sadly for a lot of us it is a fact of life as we build our own lives. One of my biggest dreams is to spend six weeks traveling in Australia and New Zealand once my youngest is out of high school. It's still years away but I'm jealous of you anyway! : )

  11. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Mine died so many years ago, but I still think of her often, and she is in my dreams sometimes. She lives in my memory, which I think is a lovely legacy.

    Congratulations on getting your Masters degree. That is phenomenal. What's also phenomenal is that you have created and nurtured Decoybetty in the midst of it all!

  12. 52 faces - I cannot imagine how hard that would be. I mean, I have hard enough time not moving home just because my parents got puppies.

    24 @ heart - thank you. It is so hard, no one tells you that being a grown up is so tough.

    Susan - Thanks Susan. Ahh, well, DB has been a part of my life for a long time.

  13. I am excited for you and also a bit jealous that you're finished your Master's. I'm on my final class, but I still have a thesis to write and I'm a bit intimidated. But knowing that other people have been through this helps. Good luck in the job search!!

  14. I'm sorry about your grandmother. It must be hard to be away from your family. But following your dream (being in Australia) is a good motivation for achieving your goals and happiness.