Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Then the doctor said "shake dat ass for me, shake dat ass for me"

This whole visa process includes a medical examination to make sure I am not HIV positive, carrying TB, or whatever it is they test when they make you pee in a cup. So, today I went to the special medical examination office to be poked and prodded and remove my shirt twice. They only asked if I was pregnant 6 times, A RECORD.

First, I am an idiot. I didn't bring my passport. I don't know why I assumed I wouldn't need the passport, I mean it's for immigration purposes OF COURSE I am going to need a passport. Honestly, what was I thinking? Luckily, after crying while I waited in a queue for half an hour, coming up with all the worst case scenerios about going home to get it, having to pay a fee to reschedule, or getting sucked into some crazy tube and sent to the trash compressor a la Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. But the receptionist said it would be fine as long as I brought it in tomorrow. The whole exam process took two hours, in my opinion that was 2 hours too long. Most of that was sitting around waiting for someone to tell me what to do.

The strangest part was when I had to have a physical, I had this adorable little old woman doctor who sat me down and the first words out of her mouth were "have you always been skinny?" There must be a better way to say this, no? She seemed concerned about my weight and busted out her calculator to do some kind of high tech weight mathematics before saying, take off your shirt and lay down. Well, jeesh.

After looking into my eyes, ears, and mouth; checking my blood pressure; listening to my heart and lungs she said, "stand up, and can you touch your toes?" Thinking she was going to do that test where she checks for scoliosis I bend over and touch my hands to the floor. As soon as my finger tips hit she says "ok you can stand back up, and now hike up your skirt so I can check out your legs?" Um, what?

As I relayed this awkward tale to Jess she so kindly explained to me what was happening, apparently this here nation has a really strict "hot ass and leg" clause where only people with nice booties can be allowed into the country. So, the doctor was just checking out my butt to make sure I qualified. I hope I passed, man. Seriously, if yoga is good for something it's gotta be toning the butt, no?


  1. Haha, this whole story is absolutely hilarious!

    And "have you always been this skinny," is a significantly better question than, "have you always been this fat?"

    Just saying.

  2. Sounds like a long and comprehensive exam. I don't doubt that you passed... man. ;-)

  3. So they checked out your ass and got you to take your shirt off twice.

    And who said the Christmas spirit was dead in today's society?

  4. WHAT...no pic's? Some people will do anything for a good time...ROTFLMAO

  5. Kyle - Perhaps it is...but still her tone was ouchy.

    Chris - I hope so! I work my butt off in yoga.

    Matthew - Hah! It's possible I should've asked what some of those tests were for, eh?

    Anon - Pics? of what? :)

  6. My doctor used to give me crap about my BMI all the time. And then I had a kid. Those days are long gone. Ah ha ha

  7. We do need some hot asses here, because Aussie women have the biggest asses in the world. No joke.

  8. Kristin - What's with that? It's just rude, I say, Rude.

    Sandy - I love Australian asses!

  9. With all this ass talk it made me wonder if you were headed to Brazil. But alas, Aussies also appreciate the back view...apparently.~Sassy

  10. I've been going thru the whole visa thing forever.. I feel your pain of the medical examination..sometimes I thought for sure there was a hidden camera somewhere and I was going to be on some funny video show... but no... just a 'routine' immigration/ visa physical.

    Strange arent they?