Sunday, June 06, 2010

Let's talk about sex baby...let's talk about you and me...let's talk about my lady bits!

So, last week I went to my first gynaecologist appointment. When I wrote that post a couple of weeks ago about how I hadn't been ever and you, my lovely readers, were concerned for the well being of my lady parts. They thank for your concern.

So let me tell you why I haven't seen a gyno until now...it's because I was virgin. If you're abstaining from la sex - they care not for the well being of your lady bits. Frankly, it's one of the perks of being a virgin...

Anydoodle, I went to sort out this whole pill situation and get a pelvic exam. Well, that's what I thought I was doing.

When I start explaining to doctor's how the pill has been making me a slice of psycho (they call it moody...and I say "no, I just cry" and they're all "right mood swings." me: Not mood swings..CRYING) they say..."but what did you do before you were on the pill." Not having sex is brilliant birth control! I mean besides that one time fabled immaculate conception...it's FOOL proof.

Anyway, so I am sitting in a leather chair. Shaking with the disease known as fear of the speculum (fots) and she is blathering on about birth control options (we've decided to try a progesterone only pill - if there are no side effects then I'll move on to the implant...if you were curious). And I am gripping onto my pants in hopes that I'll never have to take them off ever. To actually show how scared I was and how deeply effected by fots I was...I wore socks. I hate socks - I loathe socks. They are the devil. But I reasoned that if I wore socks even if I had to take off all my "down stairs" clothes, I could still keep my green polka dotted socks on...

Fine, it made sense in my head though.

Anyway, the doc, perhaps after noticing my acute state of fots, finally asks if I've ever had a pap smear...AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaagggggghHHHH....

"no" I say in a small small small voice.

"Well, you don't have to get one until two years after you start having sex"...

"So, should I get one at my next appointment?"

"Naw, Put it off!"

"um, ok? In the states they really drum it into your head that you need to get one every year"

"I am not worried about the people who worry about it. I am worried about the people who haven't had one for 10 years! PUT IT OFF" and then she started singing "MIRENA! MIRENA!*"

Until next time, fots.


*Mirena of course being an IUD. clearly. I have the pamphlet if you'd like more information. MIRENA.

13 comments:

  1. I am way more terrified of Mirena than I am of pap smears. I don't know why. Fear of the unknown? Your gynecologist sounds like a keeper!!

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  2. The pill made me cry too. It's hard being a girl...

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  3. I'm afraid of the French gyno... :( I so need to go cos I keep getting pap smear reminders from my doc back home.

    I've never been to a gyno - lady bit stuff was just done by my doctor and tests etc. by the lovely nurses.

    BUT French gyno, its a gyno, and he/she speaks French - SCARY. I only just managed my first dentist appt last week.

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  4. How funny! They made me have a pap smear when I was still a virgin. It was pretty horrible. Glad to see your appt went well!

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  5. My mother prepared me for my first trip to the gynecologist by telling me 'It's the most degrading experience.'
    Mom rocks!

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  6. The pill made me crazy- driving away anyone who spent more than 5 minutes alone with me- and also killed my libido, so it was a ridiculously effective birth control!
    I read once a long time ago that pap smears are not all that important for young girls and that a lot more young women would probably be visiting the gynocologist for info/birth control if they weren't obliged to do a pap smear, therefore maybe it should be much more of an optional thing? It makes so much sense.

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  7. "When I start explaining to doctor's how the pill has been making me a slice of psycho"

    I went to the gyno today for the very same reason!!!! And I am going to try the same thingy and then maybe get the implant. Or use the Nuvaring, which also has less hormones in it. To hopefully make my piece of the psycho pie significantly smaller.

    I hope you get your lady bits situation figured out. It's frustrating to not feel in control of your emotions. Been there. Am there.

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  8. Trust me once you have babies, you don't really care who looks at your lady bits!! I used to hate going to the gyno. Now, I go in, drop trow and just let her do her thing. I figure after having two kids at the same hospital there isn't a person in that building who doesn't know the state of my lady bits!!

    Bit of advice though....when you finally do get the schmear (ha ha) done, ask them to warm the speculum and the gel. If they refuse put your clothes on and leave. My doc warms hers and it makes a WORLD of difference.

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  9. 2 YEARS?!!

    I've been bam-boozled!
    And all this for a guy.
    Jerk.

    I wear socks too, because I believe it's law that the OB/GYN must have an inside temperature below that of what one would encounter on the summit of Mt. Everest. I'm shaking because of the freaking cold.
    Le hiney isn't used to it, poor thing.

    If I could get the pill without going, I so would. However, I'm beginning to re-think this need for the guy. No guy = no gyno.

    I really should have been a nun. I'm telling you, that's a highly under appreciated career move.
    Great benefits too.

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  10. man things are really different in oz. i got a HUGE lecture about how "every woman over the age of 18 should see a gynecologist every year no matter whether you're sexually active or not" even when i was a virgin. seriously, i got that lecture a lot.

    also on a random note one of my friends in the states just got the mirena and says she likes it.

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  11. PS. You can ask for doc for the "small speculum". They come in different sizes. They heat them up under the lamp, too so, gasp! not so cold.

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  12. Your posts always put a smile on my face.
    Sigh, being a girl is shitty sometimes.

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  13. I like your gyno. She seems nice. I've heard the Mirena implant hurts! Yikes. I'm a baby. I don't know if I could do it.

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