Monday, July 26, 2010

This is a story about a girl and her child hood love.

I fly home in 6 days. Just six days, in case you didn't know that's not even a week. I've been fluctuating from being terribly excited to go home to being nervous and upset about it. I couldn't really figure out why either, until on Friday Inspector Climate said, "you're already worried and sad about saying goodbye, aren't you?" Why, yes, yes I am. But since he put words to it, it seems silly to stress about it. I'd much rather just be happy to be home. I felt a such a sense of relief after he explained my own feelings to me (thank god he gets me...it saves us both a lot of heart ache).

So on Saturday, I got down to the business of being excited. I went to yoga. I got my legs waxed because Da-amn I am going to summer time! And these white legs of mine are going to be in skirts and shorts and dresses. They're going to meet the sun. Hello sun! I left Inspector Climate at my apartment, and when I came back he was laying on his stomach on my bed researching some shoes on line. So, I sat on his bum, and reached over to check my email...and there was one from my mom that I wasn't at all prepared. "Some sad news: I haven't been sure how to tell you this, but Chiefy died."

Now, let me tell you about Chief. I got him for a surprise birthday present when I was ten. I got a pony for my birthday. A sweet, adorable, loner, fiesty little shit pony that I loved more than anything. He used to make me cry with his wicked pony antics ("Let's run D under those trees so branches smack her in the stomach!" "I know, she's asking me to turn right...so let me fake right and dive left! bwahahahah!" "I'm going to just refuse to move now..."), and I don't know if as he got older we got to have a better understanding of each other, or if he just got less wicked. His last trick, certainly most disturbing, was he used to eat poop. And he acted like that poop was life or death. I'd urge him to go over and over and over and he'd turn his adorable little face towards covered in smelly manure and be like "girlfriend, I am busy..." and just stay there...Sometimes, I'd get off and walk him 20 metres down the trail and get back on and the second I was situated on his back again, he'd spin on his hind legs and bolt back to the poop.

But I loved him. He taught me patience and fortitude and forgiveness. He let me make me mistakes and he forgave me for them (I think). When I was 10 I thought it was pretty cool because when I dismounted, he'd let me slide off his butt - Tricky! Those first few years, I used to go on horseback rides or just go out and visit him. Burying my face into his mane and the ultra soft fur behind his ears, he made me feel safe and protected - even though I knew he'd try to step on my foot if the opportunity presented itself.

As I got older, I didn't ride as much. And when I moved away to go to college, my first stop when I got back home would be to visit him the pasture where he'd act disinterested in seeing me - and to be fair, he probably was.

So on Wednesday, he just got sick. It was sudden. It was unexpected. Well, as unexpected as it can be when he was somewhere between 35 and 40 years old. And I met him 15 years ago. I feel broken and unequipped. And most of all empty. I was so looking forward to my jerk-face pony to meet Inspector Climate. For them to come face to face so that Inspector Climate would know how I spent my child hood and who I spent it with. Instead, I received an email from my mom and immediately crumpled into the fetal position where I've stayed for most of yesterday and today. I've cried until my face is puffy and my tears wet Inspector Climate's face, chest, shoulders, pillows. I haven't been able to use words to describe how much I'll miss him, how much I loved him, how guilty I feel for leaving him behind, how soft his lips were, or inexplicably patient he was with me when I insisted in snuggling my face into his soft fuzzy body.

And now I am scared to go home because it's not at all the same place I left. Three of my favourite furry friends are gone and I am not sure home will feel at all home-like without them. And I am not good at change, people.

Good bye, punk. You taught me everything I know - like eating poop is gross. And crying into someone's neck is ok. It's ok to be wrong and make mistakes, because tomorrow you can start over again. And for the love of all things holy, just because normal people are social and thrive in being in groups doesn't mean that sometimes being alone isn't the best thing for you. I don't know what home is without you, but I guess I'll be brave and go anyway - you taught me that too.

9 comments:

  1. So so sad : (

    You've had way too much animal loss lately.

    I'm glad your man was there for you in your time of sorrow. And I hope you find some happy things back at home.

    I can relate to your first paragraph...being apprehensive about going somewhere because you know you'll have to say good-bye and leave.

    I send you many virtual hugs.

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  2. I am so sorry to hear this. The loss of a pet is always hard, but you have lost a lot of pets lately and it sounds like he was more than just a pet. *HUGS*

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  3. aww big hug from over here. I know how sad it is to lose a pet and a pony must be very special (I never had one, but always wanted one). But it seems like he lived a long happy life and you will never forget your time together. As sad as death of a pet is, it toughens us up and helps us prepare for other even more difficult losses in the future. He was your pony and he always will be, now he's just looking down at you from his poop eating pasture in the sky :)

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  4. How long will you be home? Is this just a trip or a move? I never blogged about it, but when I went to Europe in 2007 I came back and my parents had changed a lot. They announced in the car back from the airport that we were moving from our big, lovely house to a townhouse.

    So I asked about the dog because we had an 80 lb lab. My mom got really quiet and told me that she had died a month before that and they hadn't known how to tell me. I felt terrible. I know why they chose to keep it from me. They wanted me to have a good time, but also I was angry. In fact, my brother was studying abroad too and I made them call and tell him because I didn't want him arriving three months later and learning.

    Okay, it wasn't my intention to write such a long comment. I'm sorry for your loss. When we lose pets it hurts just as much sometimes as losing a human member of the family.

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  5. Aw man... this breaks my heart. I'll never forget when my mom told me my beloved childhood dog had died. I was about to get on the tain in the city (with several people crowded around). I immediately burst in to tears. Horrible. :(

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  6. Dina - Thanks Dina for your kind wishes! There has been way too much animal loss these past few months.

    Cammy - He was definitely more than a pet - he was a totally champ, my best friend as a kiddo.

    Crystal - Thank you!

    Sara - only 2 weeks. Thanks for your comment. I don't mind the length! Yeah, my parents waited a few days to tell me in hopes that Inspector Climate would be there to hold me.

    Jane - Yeah, me too.

    qwithouttheu - Yeah, i did little bit of public crying too. It's very heartbreaking.

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  7. HUGE hugs to you! Losing pets suck, big time... they become part of your family, a brilliant friend and it is so hard when they die. Grieve and then cherish all the moments with your pony, it sounds like you had some great fun!

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