Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Weight.

Recently, I've been feeling the weight of it all. Everyday I go to work at an organisation that I absolutely love while I do a job I am not all that thrilled about. I feel horrible looking for other jobs because I feel so grateful to have gotten this one, plus I really like most of the people I work with and feel guilty to have only stayed a few months and now be looking.

The truth is I have a master's degree so I could do the work that this organisation does, not work on funding it.

Today, I sat on Inspector Climate's bed and looked for a new job. I've spent a lot of time whining about my work these past few months and then I read this post and I realised the only way change was going to happen was if I made it happen. Of course, this is something I've known. This is something that Inspector Climate tells me all the time (while putting a positive spin on whatever I am bemoaning, much to my annoyance).

But once I sat down to apply for the job the weight of it all just came crushing down. The what if's seemed insurmountable. I'll have to tell my employers that I am leaving and ask them to be references. I'll have to find a new routine and take a new tram/train to work. I'll have to figure when I can see Inspector Climate and when I can go to yoga. And there they were. The tears I thought I had said goodbye to during my Progesterone Experiment of 2010. And so I cried. Inspector Climate cuddled me and told me I didn't have to worry yet, why worry when I haven't even sent in the application? Gotten an interview? Been told I am their preferred candidate? Why worry he asks? Because it's what I do.

20 days until I fly home. And even that is starting to feel heavy. I only get to see this family I love for two weeks? How is that fair? What am I doing here? But what would I do there?

So for tonight, I am going to wallow in the weight of it all...

Tomorrow I'll make it less.

What weight are you carrying?


  1. My weight is this friggin PhD... 3 chapters down, 4 to go and I'm so damn sick of it. Truth be told I've hated my PhD, I only did it for the life experience. I'm stressed bout finding a job afterwards cos my supervisor is the devil and I'd rather cut my own arm off than have him as a referee.

    But, I'm trying not to stress about that yet! I try to think of the positives - in December I'll be home for xmas (after 2 years), I'll see my family, British Boy and I can FINALLY start our life together and have no more long distance.

    Good luck with the job hunt - try not to stress about the small stuff, and enjoy your trip home!

  2. I'm sorry, kitten. I hope you're feeling better... "The Weight" comes and goes in life. It just does. x

  3. I'm stuck in a town I hate with no immediate plans to leave (due to the husband's job).
    I also have no nearby friends, and not for a lack of years of trying.
    Cue violins, right?
    Thank whatever god it is for the blogs.

  4. Money, always money.
    The basic expenses of living are flattening me because there's not enough money.

  5. Haha. I almost feel bad that you linked to my blog, because my weight is my new job. Isn't it funny how we think we can plan things and that everything will just be peachy once it's done? But nothing is certain and that's the shit part.

    I am right there with you (our lives are PARALLEL!! Okay, a few months behind each other.) and the best I can say is try to chant with me "Live in the moment, live in the moment, live in the moment". It's hard as hell but it's the only way us sensitive gals can keep from jumping off balconies.


  6. Kiwi in France - Ack! that sounds very weighty indeed. but how cool are volcanoes! I mean, honestly? pretty cool.

    Chris -Thanks Chris! I love it when you stop by!

    Miss Jill - Aw, i am always surprised how hard it is to make friends! It's so easy when you're little.

    Susan - Money is always the problem isn't it?

    Ev Rev - It happens, we get what we think we want, only to realise...we didn't want it. But we'll go out there and try again!

  7. I'm feeling you on this one. I never really write about my job or that aspect of my life. I probably should because it is the part that is weighing on me the most. I am in a mess over here and am trying to figure it all out. I think the 20s use to be easier. I'm just hoping by 30 I have a little bit more going for me.

  8. Miss Jill I'm there with you on the friends and I'm in NYC... I'm cool why wont people hang out with me?