Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I am not great at handling possibility.

It's been 25 years, and I am still just starting to figure myself out.

I am not very good at handling things that could be possible. My mind can't seem to narrow down the 'what if's' into ones that are relevant right now and ones that aren't relevant ever.

You see, on Monday, I got a job interview in a regional centre in Victoria. I know what you're thinking right now. This should be all joy and rainbows and bubbles and puppies (oh, so many puppies). It was not. Soon after I got off the phone with the nice lady, I checked the train schedule to see what interview time suited me, and the train timetable, best (I had options!). The answer was the train schedule to this regional centre and the interview times were not well suited. And I started to cry.

I was going to have to play hooky from work. I hate lying. What if someone found out? What if my trains were delayed and I could never get home? What if I got the job and then felt compelled to take it because well, it's not like other offers piling up and then I'd be stuck in this regional centre working very far away from Inspector Climate. and I'd have to move away from my cute little apartment. And did you know that the nearly two years I've lived in this apartment is the longest I've ever lived anywhere since moving out of home at 18? And what if there was no good yoga. And what if I didn't take the job that might not be offered to me and I never got offered another one again and then I'd be stuck working at the crappy job I have now FOREVER.

What if the job is great but I hate the regional centre of Victoria? What if I have to buy a car and actually get comfortable driving on the left side of the road? What if I couldn't find a reasonably priced apartment to live in? What if my new roommates were scary? What if I lived by myself?

And while all those what ifs floated through my mind, I got fixated on how scary it would be to take a train to this regional centre by myself. Like that was the real crux of the issue not my fear and anxiety of all the uncertainties of the logistics of moving, juggling a new job with my old life style, or simply the stress of a job interview ON TOP of trying to navigate public transport to a place I've never been to.

Inspector Climate offered to drive me (because I seriously am not ready for a long road trip on the left side of the road by myself) and then I felt awful for wanting him to do that. And it really is what I wanted. Why could I make the decision to move to Australia in a matter of seconds and then get on a plane and fly here (BY MYSELF) and feel ready and prepared for that change while the idea of taking a train to somewhere in the same state I live now has me so terrified that I can't stop crying and blubbering and frankly being a little wuss (yeah, self, I said it...).

Furthermore, when he offered to drive me and I felt so guilty for wanting him to do it that I could barely get up the courage to say, "yes that is what I want." It got to the point where I was getting so frustrated at my inability to express to him that I wanted him there that I couldn't tell if I was crying because I couldn't just say what I wanted or if I was just simply scared of the changes that could possibly happen.

I was so upset last night, I considered calling back today and saying I didn't want the interview. The interview I've been saying for weeks I wanted because it would make feel like I had something to offer the job market and the interview I desperately desired to give me hope that sometime, soon!, I'd be out of this job I have now.

I spent a long time thinking about that today while I was doing some very mentally challenging tasks at work, how can I sometimes be so brave when it comes to big things and act like fear's bitch when it comes to other things? For honest, ya'll what's up with that.

I am not very good at handling even the smallest uncertainties, but once the change is in motion and something is happening I'm able to (not to sound cocky) flourish (as an aside, there are some volunteers at work who have been volunteering there for over 10 years they are elderly and absolutely hilarious and today when anyone asked one of the old ladies how she doing she said "Flourishing thank you, how are you?").

So here is to realising that I'll probably never be great at dealing with possibilities, but that's ok.

Tell me something you're not great at? Let's commiserate in our shortcomings...please?

PS Of course I accepted the interview. Inspector Climate and I will be driving up to this regional centre on Friday. Wish me luck!


  1. I too flew alone half way around the world, and now find myself sneaking behind doors just to avoid running into my boss in the corridor. I've even hid behind a group of friends just so he didn't see me. I have a special folder for his emails and usually need a few cups of tea before opening them. It's crazy to be so scared of him, but that's my messed-up-ness.

    Best of luck with your job interview, and enjoy the journey over with Inspector Climate. If you get the job, take one step at a time and try not to dwell on the negative "what if's", you never know until you try - and hey, the situation could be a hell of a lot better. I do know it's easier said than done and I get worked up over the what if's too. Bon courage!

  2. I'm no longer good at doing a bunch of things that I used to do by myself which I now let the husband do for me.

  3. I am the same way about many things that it is really silly, in the end, to be this way about. For example, I am chronically bad at e-mailing people who offer to help me out. I have been putting off e-mailing an old teacher since May, a former professor since July (when she ASKED ME TO), two potential publishing job contacts since about that long, and an old friend who wants to meet for coffee since August. Also, I keep meaning to write YOU a nice "This is what I'm doing in my life, I hope you're well!" note since I rediscovered your blog a few weeks back...

    In general, I am a fantastic procrastinator (as betrayed by my Bejeweled Blitz scores), but something about sending e-mails and communicating is especially daunting.

    All that said, you are certainly not alone and all the anxiety before the event certainly doesn't mean you won't be awesome in your interview, and kickass at this job. GOOOOOOOOOD LUCK!!

  4. Dude. Reading this felt like reading a transcription of my own mind, except substitute fear or new cities and job stuff for anything related to my photography business.

    And hearing about Inspector Climate's adorable offer to drive you feels like reading about things that Seba has offered to do for me in my moments of minor breakdowns.

    Because that's really all they are -- minor breakdowns.

    Fear not, it'll pass, he'll drive you there, you'll get the job, and all will be well! I have total faith.

  5. I also suffer from the 'What if's' Terrible thing to have cause it can often stand in the way of an awesome opportunity.
    Good luck with the interview!

  6. Kiwi In France - Ugh, hating ones boss is tragic...and horrifying and DEFINITELY fear inducing.

    Twisted Susan - So what you're saying is that I am just become CO-dependent?

    Emily - I wish I had a smidgeon of your distaste for writing back...I write back compulsively. (you can write me an email ANY time you want :) - no pressure)

    Kyle - Oh, you're my stress sister for sure. good thing we have reasonable and logically fellas around, eh?

    Love and Stuff - yes, funny how all the what ifs seem super scary but the "what if I don't do this" never seemed to cross my mind.

  7. I'm the same way too. First off, I hate change, so I tend to try and talk myself out of changes by figuring out how many bad things I can list about any new situation. It's one of my more charming points.

    My husband LOVES change, so I try to meet him half way as much as I can.

  8. Look at it this way: you probably won't get the job anyway, so why are you worrying.

    JUST KIDDING. Best, best, best of luck. You'll kill it.

    Or, maybe you already have? Because it's Friday in the states now so it's probably Saturday there. Funny how that works.

    And by the way, I'm totally going to use "I'm flourishing" as my response every single time people as me how I'm doing from now on and forever.

  9. Yeah, the boss is always intimidating..Thanks for visiting during my SITS day!

  10. Procrastination. Perfectionism. Sloth. A combination which leads to accomplishing very little.

    I am sure you killed the interview! Do keep us posted. :)

  11. I can totally get the fear of change. Whenever I get up the courage to respond to a job ad, I open the door of my apartment with trepidation because frankly I DON'T want to see the message light blinking telling me to come for an interview. Here I am thinking of going back to school to do something different and I keep having dreams of feeling like an "old person" amongst all the kids. change is not always easy.

  12. So how did it go?

    As far as decision making; I just moved across the country with no job, home, or anything, and it didn't phase me.
    Telling my new employers that the job bores me to tears and I need more pay - can't do it. I'm more stressed about that than I was the move.

    It's not just you hon. :)

  13. HEY! I came to visit your blog for once! Andddddddd - I TOTALLY feel you. You and I both know how I handle change and then the limbo bit is somehow even worse. And yet here we are living abroad anyway?

    Sometimes I think it is harder SIMPLY because it isn't home. Not because we can't figure it out, or it's so much different where we came from, but that there is somehow an element that is JUST foriegn enough to make everything seem impossible. This little thing make us not be able to anticipate what might come next.

    I constantly get yelled at by the Boy for not following up on simple administrative tasks that I SHOULD be able to do easily but I don't. I don't because I am afraid to enter myself into the French system and possibly look stupid.

    The only thing that helps is putting on the blinders. Keep your eyes to the front, take one step at a time and eventually you will get where you are meant to go.

    Good luck to you darling! I can't wait to hear the outcome.

  14. So I'm not the only one afraid to drive in their adoptive country!?! I thought I was.

    Good luck! I hope everything turns out!

    Try not to think of the what-ifs too much. They will really make you go crazy!

  15. stopping by via sits. life is complicated, i understand. but you have to take those necessary steps to move forward in your career.