Monday, September 20, 2010

Shut Up Veruca Salt

For the past year, I've been living in a constant state of limbo. Even the document that allows for me to be legally able to stay in Australia is called a bridging visa. If I wasn't unemployed looking for a job, I was employed knowing I wouldn't be able to stay at my job. At the moment, I am applying for new work all over Victoria and I am looking in Tassie too. That means I could I be moving away from my cute little apartment in a matter of months. I don't know what country I'll live in next year or what I'll be doing. And I hate it.

I hate being so undecided and feeling so out of control about my future.

One of the ways I cope is Inspector Climate and I talk extensively about what our future together will be like. We talk about when we finally get to live together. We'll live somewhere where we can get a kitty, we'll have a lemon tree, and a puppy. We talk about where will go on our honeymoon (Vanuatu) and who will take our wedding photos (Kyle Hepp) - of course, we aren't getting married for a while...so you know, don't hold your breath waiting for any big annoucements. We've discussed in great detail which stuff of ours we will keep (my comforter cover...his comforter) and I've waxed poetic about the kitchen that will some day be ours (with a BIG pantry and sharp knives).

Sometimes I can have these conversations like the adult that I technically am am trying to be. But depending on how bad my day was at work or how homesick I am or whether the wind changed direction I get into a desperate cry of I WANT IT NOW. I say to myself, self I want something to be permanent RIGHT NOW.

Of course, I have something permanent: the boy who will sit for hours and listen to me build and then retrofit and then remodel our future home, with our future puppies (which will not be lap dogs and nothing huge...a midsize family dog), and our kitchen (with the sharp knives, and homemade baked goods, and homemade cloth napkins).

I have to remind myself that somethings we just don't get RIGHT NOW - and I may have to be a little bit more patient.

But, I WANT IT NOW. Ahem.

Anything you want RIGHT NOW?

10 comments:

  1. Oh I know the "I want it now" feeling really well! Patience has never been my strong point.

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  2. I will be anxiously awaiting that big announcement someday :)

    In all seriousness, I relate to this whole blog so much. People really glamorize the whole "living life on the edge," thing, but in all reality, when you don't know where you're going next, where your next paycheck is going to come from, it's scary and can cause a lot of anxiety.

    I think as an expat, there will probably always be an amount of uncertainty involved too, no matter what career you're in. How are we going to get a visa (for either partner)? Are we ever going back (to wherever back may be)? Am I really part of your culture or am I just part of you?

    Man, you opened up a whole can of worms here. I'll stop talking now :)

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  3. Nice to see you again! ;)
    I want a home, and my little goats back, but I know that's a few years out. I don't know what the job situation will be, or where we will be, but I still want it NOW.
    I can relate hon. Hang in there.

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  4. Um, I want everything you just mentioned right now, except for with my own fabulous man of course. Now, to find that man...

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  5. Oh, you just very nicely spelled out how I feel about living abroad and looking for work. It makes me want to lie on the floor and cry sometimes. My husband I often say, "When we're settled somewhere, we'll do/buy/be . . . " I suppose we should be more grateful for what we have at the moment, but it's stressful to have a life that changes often.

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  6. the love of my life. but i think i've wanted that right now since i was like 5. (yes i bought into the whole hopeless romantic thing from a very early age. i was totally convinced i would be married and traveling the world with the love of my life by the time i was out of high school - unrealistic, i know).

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  7. I think we all have these times in our lives. But then, somewhere (after things settle down) you make the decision to just take what comes your way, do what you can, don't worry about what you can't and life looks a lot brighter!!

    I hope things clear up for you soon!

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  8. Love and stuff - Me either. Now is good! I am sticking with NOW.

    Kyle - Exactly! No one told me that being an expat was so hard...although, I probably would've done it anyway. It looks so glamorous in An American in Paris.

    Jessica - WELCOME BACK. I've missssed you! Aw, I hope you get your little goats back too!

    Cammy - Ah yes...Mr. Fabulous Man is definitely out there.


    MBC - EXACTLY. change is stressful and there is nothing to be ashamed of lying on the floor and crying...I am quite familiar with that myself.

    Rhea - I've wanted the love of my life for a LONG time too. In fact I thought my first boyfriend and I were going to get married back when we were 14!! THANK god that didn't happen.

    bettyl - yes, i hear that a lot in yoga :)

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  9. Deidre, it has done my heart good to come by and catch up on a whole month's worth of posts. I'm so sorry I had no idea you were hating your job! I remember how happy and relieved you were to get it. I guess what I want to say is: logistics. This stuff is all just logistics. The important stuff - love, communication, support - you have that in spades. It gave me such pleasure to hear you describe your future dreams with Inspector Climate!

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  10. The only thing I need right now is some SLEEP.

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