Wednesday, December 08, 2010

A funhouse of anxiety and self doubt.

First of all, FREEDOM? It's still awesome thank you. I love being able to go to any yoga class I want. Or visit the cute baby penguins in the aquarium. Or spend the day finding new blogs to read and being able to comment on blogs again. Yes, I enjoy FREEDOM. It hasn't gotten old yet, and every morning when I wake up and when I realise that I don't have to go back to the teethclenching work I was doing only a month ago - I celebrate with a little FREEDOM dance. Of course, I've still got my own brand of crazy that I have to handle.

Last week I got a call saying that I had a job interview. So I set it up for Monday. I spent all last week really struggling to make headway in the job search because I had a job interview! I know the chances of being offered the job aren't great (if my previous record is anything to go by it's about 1 in 6). But it's hard to focus on applying for other jobs when a job interview is so close on the horizon. As the job interview approached, my anxiety levels heightened. I didn't even feel that nervous about the actual job interview it's self. But I found myself not liking what I saw and not feeling confident in my actions.

I am a bit scared to write about this, because I know one of you will yell at me. And probably a bit rightly so. So let me preface this by saying, I know I am not even the slightest bit overweight. I know that I have an extraordinarily healthy diet, that I exercise a lot, and that by all accounts I am small. But that doesn't mean at all times I thrilled with my appearance. I'm only human. So when normally I look in the mirror and see this....
Recently, I've been seeing this (thanks special effects on PhotoBooth):
Likewise, my headspace normally looks like this:
Since my interview on Monday, I've felt like this:
The interview? It went really well, thanks for asking. The question that came out of left field (and there is ALWAYS a question that comes out of left field) was "how do you define ethical behaviour." After the job interview, I was on the tram home and I started worrying. What if they do offer me this job?

It isn't The Job. The Job that would make me feel rewarded every day I went to work simply because I enjoy what I do. No, it wasn't that job. Not that I wouldn't enjoy going to work at this new job...but the ACTUAL work wouldn't be quite as satisfying, I don't think. But, would it help me get to That Job one day? I am not sure. Can I put into words what The Job is? No, I can't. And while I know logically I can't worry about whether or not they'll offer me the job (I won't know for three weeks), I can't help but be anxious about it because...well, it's what I do. I don't necessarily want to take a job just because it's offered to me, but then again, I also don't want to not take a job because um, I don't get offered that many to begin with. Can you see how this is a twisted circle that I just go around and around on? Until my face is a twisted mess? Oy vey.

When I started this job search I told myself it was going to be different this time. This time it was going to be a three pronged job search extravaganza. I was going to a. utilise all the networks I've created since moving to Australia. b. I was going to spend a few hours every day looking for and applying for job ads posted on the internet. and c. I was going to start volunteering at environmental organisation so that I could build bigger networks and gain more experience doing stuff. I was going to stop lying in my bed and feeling sorry myself like The Job Search the First and really get out there and be proactive. In that vein, today begins my life as a volunteer at one organisation, hopefully followed by gigs at a few more.

See those rays shooting from my eyes? That, bitches, is determination and FREEDOM. Be careful, it's catching.


  1. When I don't know what to do I listen to the pit of my stomach.

  2. I think every woman has a mirror in her house that deforms her like that. I know I do.

  3. I definitely understand where you are coming from on the job hunt--it can be a confusing cycle. You want The Job, but then feel like you have to take a job once you get offered one. But then question whether you should just hold out for The Job...why waste your time doing something you're not passionate about and doesn't fulfill you? I'm going through the exact same thing now, and I'm trying desperately to change my career path. Just know that there are a ton of people who are having the same thoughts and are struggling to find a meaningful job! Wishing you the best of luck!

  4. Job hunting is such a pain! But all good things come to those who wait.I wish you lots of luck and I'm sure you will be just fine. Enjoy the freedom :)

  5. I have days where I feel like that too. On those days I always ask Martin for reassurance. He has to tell me I look pretty because he loves me, and also because he's just not that stupid. And I know he has to tell me that. But it still makes me feel better that he cares enough to lie :-)

    Also, good work with the volunteer work!! I always think about all the organisations I'd love to volunteer for but I never get up the nerve to go approach them. So good for you!!

    And also? When you worry about if you get this job will it lead to 'The Job' - well, I think you should think of it in terms of, who cares? Like, I think when 'The Job' comes, it will just happen. It won't matter that you took 'In The Meantime Job', because that's why it's 'The Job' - it's meant to be. It'll all fall into place.

    I have to think like that to stay mellow, haha :-)

  6. Great post. I am in a similar situation and feel the exact same things, except, I am overweight:) When I was thinner though, I still considered myself overweight, so I understand completely. It is nice to read this and realize that I am not the only one going through these job search issues. And I too am enjoying my freedom.

  7. I can relate to the distorted cranium. Fingers crossed for ya on the job hunt!

  8. Ugh I so know what you mean when you talk about The Job. I am currently in a job that I settled for because I'd been jobless for 6 months and just wanted to work. However, I keep searching for a job that will actually FIT me.

  9. Susan - my stomach has been prettty chatty lately.

    Kyle - It's so unfortunate isn't it? I mean you're a fox :)

    Linds - Exactly! Thank you.

    Love and Stuff - Thank you. I am definitely enjoying freedom.

    Miss Liv - Yeah, I have mixed feelings about volunteering.

    Michelle - the job search is fairly demoralising isn't it? Oy, good luck!

    Salty Miss Jill - Aw, thank you!

    Jill - it's hard having a twisted mind isn't it?

    Krysten - Ugh, I settled too a while ago and then had to quit because it was awful. Big Life Decisions. They're tough!

  10. Oh hang in there. I tried my hand at a "whatever" job a few years ago. I took it simply because it was offered - and I really didn't last long at it. The lack of satisfaction ended up outweighing the pay packet. If you really need the money - go for it and keep building your networks, ready for your "perfect job". Otherwise, maybe cruise a little longer and find something that you really enjoy.

    Just my 2 cents worth :-)

  11. First off, I love your pictures that help tell the story of this post!

    I think it is normal to feel what you are feeling. Sometimes it is really hard to know what is going to ultimately make you happy and what is the "right" path. I think you'll know when you know, ya know? And just remember that everything you experience teaches you something. Even if the lesson sucks.