Wednesday, April 06, 2011

I always knew I was an insane person...

On Monday, I spent the day working on a job application (this is not news). And when I was done I was so brain dead that I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading blogs and watching truly terrible tv (I won't say definitively that I watched Just My Luck...but I can't deny it either). I began to get really discouraged. Like really discouraged. There may have been tears. The truth is in the back of my mind I always thought that by now I'd have a job. My parents are coming to visit me next week, and I just assumed that I'd have a job to start by the time they left. I don't think I have to tell you this, but I don't have a job. And I am not going to lie to you, I feel like a complete failure. This is in part of course because whenever my parents come to visit me, I feel half realllllly excited to see them because I haven't seen them since August 2010. And in part, devastated that I am not the one going home. As much as I love travelling around Australia with my parents, I'd much rather take a vacation to my home in New England - lie on the floor with the puppies, snuggle my face into horses' manes, see my best friend, my grandparents - and it makes my heart ache not knowing when that's going to happen next.

Wow. That was a bit of an aside. Sorry guys. So, anyway, I am a failure and I am upset and reading your blogs and one of the blogs I found (which I am so sorry, I didn't bookmark and now I am referencing in truly poor blogging form...If you're reading this and it's your blog please let me know) quoted Einstein who apparently said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

If Einstein said it. It's true. I am insane.

For the past 5 months (gulp), I've been using the same 5 websites to help me find jobs in the environmental field. And sure, the results haven't been totally disastrous - I have had far more interviews than I thought. But I haven't had the result that I am ultimately looking for which is, you know, employment. And then every few weeks, I get really discouraged and down on myself because I've been rejected from a job that I really wanted. Sometimes it's after I've interviewed with them and sometimes it's a job that I felt really qualified for but then didn't even get an interview (which to be honest sometimes hurts more). The most recent phone call (which was not from the Poop and Recycled Water job, by the bye) went like this "Thanks so much for coming in to interview with us. You were a really good candidate for this position but the others we interviewed were wonderful. Sorry. Best of luck." That's a direct quote. Sure I was good. I was qualified. But I am not wonderful, y'all.

I needed a change. I needed to some how be MORE proactive. Sure, I am volunteering in a couple of places - which has totally paid off in networking and experience, uh, um, experiences (you know as well, as in feeling warm and fuzzy about being a helpful human being).

So, yesterday I started cold emailing corporations asking if they had any positions available for stellar candidates such as myself. Which is terrifying and scary and I hate doing it. But what's the harm? I started researching Temp agencies which I am considering applying to a. get some dough b. feel like I am worth something and c. perhaps I can temp in organisations that I'd like to work in the future - Hello! Networking.

And just those little things made me feel just a bit more in control. Sure, I have no idea when my visa (if ever) is going to processed. And no, there is no guaranty that temping would even help. But just broadening my horizons, changing my patterns, and exploring other options has lightened up my day and made me feel just a smidgeon more sane and I'll take what I can get.

I may be a failure. But I am a failure with options.


  1. oh my god, they told you you weren't wonderful?! that is heartbreaking. ugh! but i know exactly how you feel. there are jobs that i KNOW i'm the right person for, if only they would meet with me, if only they would see what a truly warm, empathetic, natural, & open-minded therapist i am, they would fall at my feet and beg me to work for them! but i'm constantly ignored by these places, and the few interviews i land are always for random coffee shop/retail jobs who tell me they don't want someone with a master's level education {even though i assure them i would be a dedicated employee for the next three years}, or that i just don't love coffee/powertools/american girl dolls as much as the other candidates. really?! who's life-long dream is to sell dolls?! i just don't understand how companies can have such weird/high expectations for their candidates.

    well, i'm so sorry that you haven't found a job yet, and i totally understand the feeling of failure in this area of life. i'm trying really hard not to be discouraged and give up, but that's what i'm tempted to do. stay strong my dear!

  2. I was just telling someone last week that the reason he thinks he's a failure is that he shoots higher than most people. Most people I know are content just working a job that pays them. They don't dare to shoot for those big dreams, so of course they succeed in having jobs, but have they really succeeded? I'd say THEY are the failures. Dare to dream big and go for it!

  3. Stopping by from SITS

    I can't believe someone told you that you weren't wonderful. How mean is that? Have you thought about getting a head hunter maybe? I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time right now. I don't think you're a failure at all, you're just a bit down on your luck. It seems like the worst right now, but once you're out of it (and you will get out of it) it will just be a memory. Hang in there.

  4. I have SO been there! Applying for jobs is usually more stressful and challenging than working an actual job! I say that you shoot for something better! Why not market skills that you already have, become an infopreneur! That is what i am shooting for anyway. Read some great books like "the Secret"-Rhonda Byrne and "The Success Principles"-Jack Cannfield

    As my family has found, jobs are the most unreliable source of income, better that you have power over it and respect than be told you aren't wonderufl enough. Ugh.

    Good luck!!

  5. I can't tell you how much I related to every fucking word of this one. I'm not looking for a job at the moment because the AU government won't let me. But I was just before I left and I couldn't believe it had taken so much longer than I'd presumed to find one. I was pretty much at the end of my rope (and bank account).

    And. Of course I also relate to the wish to go home and see friends and puppies. I miss my dogs too. Heaps.

  6. *hugs* Know that you are wonderful and amazing and the fact that these people haven't seen that yet doesn't make it any less so.

    I think the temp agency and volunteering are great steps to getting your foot in the door.

  7. You are certainly not a failure. Einstein was onto something though. If something doesn't work, change your methods. Cold-emailing companies is NOT even slightly a poor idea. It's an excellent one. Many companies choose not to list jobs online to avoid the inevitable flood of applications. The most devoted people will bypass the convenience of a job search aggregate site and go straight to the company- like you've decided to do. Email any company for any reason.

    And another thing: seriously consider a temp agency. Though there are some major stipulations to the types of contracts they offer, they CAN potentially turn into full-time positions (albeit after some time). Give it a shot because you seriously never know what will come of it, and you certainly won't have reason for tears anymore (whether the job is ideal or not).

  8. Sending you lots of good luck karma and internet tissues to wipe up the tears!

  9. Dude, NO. Shush! You are not, and I repeat, NOT a failure. Stop that! I mean, I can empathise...I've definitely had those, "OMG, I thought I was gonna be a neuroscientist by now, waaaaahhh!" bullshit thoughts (note: I didn't study medicine). In short, these things are normal and they're annoying as all get-out but you'll get over it and DO NOT bring yourself down. I've only "known" you for, what, a few days, but even I can see that. Onwards and upwards! And temping can be good, believe me. I did it for a year in one of the Big Four banks and ended up getting a perm job offer. Godspeed!

  10. Oh you poor thing :( Job hunting is the worst!!
    But it doesn't make you a failure at all. In fact, keeping your head up and continuing to try makes you a winner in my book.
    I got one rejection email the other day and I fell apart. It was my first go at applying somewhere.

    I really like your ideas, you'll find a job in no time. Bravery pays off!

  11. ...oh yes, and the bastards who implied you weren't wonderful can go screw themselves sideways. Pah!

  12. I know it's way easier said than done, but don't worry. Worrying might be the easiest thing in the world to do but it's also the least productive, and I'm glad you are set on an action plan! Please let me know if you ever need a second pair of eyes for resumes/cover letters, I'd be more than happy to help <3

  13. yes! do the temping thing! i'm sure you will feel much better once you're back in the stale old working environment and you'll be complaining about the office microwave that stinks like burnt popcorn in no time.

    maybe... if you have the free time... it's not going to rake in any money, but it will keep you busy and feeling good... you might want to look into volunteering at an animal shelter. <3

  14. Oh god I've been insane for years now.

    Please don't think of yourself as a failure. Those who fail are those who give up, and you are certainly doing everything you can to find a job. A temp agency and volunteering are great ways to get some experience and hopefully some contacts.

    We are all rooting for you!!

  15. Been there, done that and it was horrible. I so get that I am a failure feeling. Sure your luck will change soon (talking about Luck... That is the worst movie EVER)

  16. It is so hard to keep trying, especially as time wears on. We put so much of our self-worth in our working identity. I know I'm happier when I have more work in my part-time job. Weeks I have so little I feel like I'm a flunky, even if it's not my fault. That's what you've got to remember here. It's not your fault. You're doing the best you can. The volunteering is a great idea as is temping. It might make you think of other things you enjoy doing. Hang in there, because success is probably just around the corner. But it's easier said than done, I know. PS: if they really said the others were wonderful, that is totally unkind!

  17. Here's a link to someone who's been feeling quite like you (and me sometimes, too).

    Was in the latest Expat Women newsletter.

    Don't forget you're not alone!

  18. Kimbirdy - I LOVED American Girl dolls as a kid. Oh wait, not the point. We'll get job's soon! I promise. And if not, can I get a franchise in your Happiness truck for Australia?

    Stephanie - Thanks...this was a very sweet comment. Sometimes I forget that I am dreaming big at all...

    Eclipsed - thanks for stopping by! I'll be checking out your blog shortly :)

    Amanda - Job hunting is definitely emotionally more challenging than working a job (for the most part). Interesting, I might give those a read. Thanks

    Brooke - Don't get me started on immigration. hehe heaps.

    Teacher Girl - Thank you!

    Eric - There is always a reason for tears. But you're right...It's definitely better to be proactive than sitting on my ass

    Zadge - Thank you...I wish I could borrow Harry for a snuggle. (That's her dog ya'll!)

    Pretzel Thief - I loved this comment. Thank you!

    Many colours of Happiness - aw the first rejection is the hardest, you get your hopes up that maybe it won't be so hard *this* time!

    Emily Jane - I might seriously take you up on that. I sent a cover letter out that said organistation. I mean my station is very organised. But I didn't intend to make up a word. le sigh

    You're lucky I don't have a gun - God I'd LOVE to volunteer at a shelter, but I think I have keep volunteering at places that a. boost my resume and b. boost my skills

    Crystal - Hah! me too, perhaps it's time we both think a little more outside the box.

    Love and Stuff - It's bad isn't it. I just couldn't turn it off.

    Mil - yeah, that was a direct quote. It was a little unkind. I'd have much preferred constructive criticism. Instead of a Jewish Compliment.

  19. Hi! I found your blog through a friend (She over at SC) and I just wanted to say that temping is an excellent idea. It'll help keep the helpless feelings at bay and you WILL be networking. Next time, you'll be the "wonderful candidate!" because you already had your foot in the door.

  20. You are NOT a failure. You are NOT insane.

    Ok, you may be a little bit insane, but aren't we all? I don't trust people who don't demonstrate signs of insanity.

    Yes, you've been hunting for a job for a few months. But that doesn't mean that next month won't be the month when you find The Perfect One. Do not lose hope!!!

  21. WTF. You are NOT a failure. You are awesome. And anyone who tells you differently is ridiculous.

  22. Wow I can not imagine someone saying that. I think after what came out of my mouth after a statement like that they'd be really glad they didn't give me the position.

  23. I need to apply that quote to my life and all these messed up situations. I also think I need a move so that I'm not doing the same things over and over.

  24. keep your head up lady!!

  25. Wildcard - i hope so! Thanks for stopping by.

    Kyle - Aw, thank you!

    Krysten - Hah, thanks!

    Day 2 Day living - I've gotten pretty good at biting my tongue. I mean it's hard to tell someone they didn't get the job. That's not a phone call anyone wants to make.

    Sara - it's a good quote isn't it!

    Krystal - Thanks, I'll try.

  26. You are only a failure when you cease trying.

    Try something that scares you. Something you never saw yourself doing. Something you never even thought of.

    Trust me on this one. I've found when life doesn't go the way you think it should, it' because it's trying to point you in a new direction.