On Monday, I spent the day working on a job application (this is not news). And when I was done I was so brain dead that I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening reading blogs and watching truly terrible tv (I won't say definitively that I watched Just My Luck...but I can't deny it either). I began to get really discouraged. Like really discouraged. There may have been tears. The truth is in the back of my mind I always thought that by now I'd have a job. My parents are coming to visit me next week, and I just assumed that I'd have a job to start by the time they left. I don't think I have to tell you this, but I don't have a job. And I am not going to lie to you, I feel like a complete failure. This is in part of course because whenever my parents come to visit me, I feel half realllllly excited to see them because I haven't seen them since August 2010. And in part, devastated that I am not the one going home. As much as I love travelling around Australia with my parents, I'd much rather take a vacation to my home in New England - lie on the floor with the puppies, snuggle my face into horses' manes, see my best friend, my grandparents - and it makes my heart ache not knowing when that's going to happen next.
Wow. That was a bit of an aside. Sorry guys. So, anyway, I am a failure and I am upset and reading your blogs and one of the blogs I found (which I am so sorry, I didn't bookmark and now I am referencing in truly poor blogging form...If you're reading this and it's your blog please let me know) quoted Einstein who apparently said, "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
If Einstein said it. It's true. I am insane.
For the past 5 months (gulp), I've been using the same 5 websites to help me find jobs in the environmental field. And sure, the results haven't been totally disastrous - I have had far more interviews than I thought. But I haven't had the result that I am ultimately looking for which is, you know, employment. And then every few weeks, I get really discouraged and down on myself because I've been rejected from a job that I really wanted. Sometimes it's after I've interviewed with them and sometimes it's a job that I felt really qualified for but then didn't even get an interview (which to be honest sometimes hurts more). The most recent phone call (which was not from the Poop and Recycled Water job, by the bye) went like this "Thanks so much for coming in to interview with us. You were a really good candidate for this position but the others we interviewed were wonderful. Sorry. Best of luck." That's a direct quote. Sure I was good. I was qualified. But I am not wonderful, y'all.
I needed a change. I needed to some how be MORE proactive. Sure, I am volunteering in a couple of places - which has totally paid off in networking and experience, uh, um, experiences (you know as well, as in feeling warm and fuzzy about being a helpful human being).
So, yesterday I started cold emailing corporations asking if they had any positions available for stellar candidates such as myself. Which is terrifying and scary and I hate doing it. But what's the harm? I started researching Temp agencies which I am considering applying to a. get some dough b. feel like I am worth something and c. perhaps I can temp in organisations that I'd like to work in the future - Hello! Networking.
And just those little things made me feel just a bit more in control. Sure, I have no idea when my visa (if ever) is going to processed. And no, there is no guaranty that temping would even help. But just broadening my horizons, changing my patterns, and exploring other options has lightened up my day and made me feel just a smidgeon more sane and I'll take what I can get.
I may be a failure. But I am a failure with options.