Friday, October 07, 2011

Let me let you in on why this is a secret.

First of all, a few days ago I posted about how the hardest thing about using my blogging experience as resume building is talking about my blog with The Real World.  And lots of you were all "Your blog is a secret? What is UP with that?"

My blog isn't a secret because my parents or family wouldn't be supportive. And it isn't a secret because my friends think blogging is whack.  It isn't a secret so that I have the space to vent about family affairs (although there have been times when I've come close) or discuss friends' secrets. No, it isn't for any of those reasons.

The reason my family doesn't know is because I have a long long history of not telling them anything.  They don't know that I was so depressed at college that I often ignored their phone calls because I wasn't up to lying about how I felt that day.  Similarly, they don't know about the 9 months I was on the pill and the horrible depression that that sent me into.  They don't know about my trip to the Emergency Room, the story of my engagement part 1 or 2 (I mean, they know I am engaged, I have to share somethings), or how sometimes I get homesick.  And it's not because they wouldn't understand or because they wouldn't be loving and compassionate - it's because of me. I'm just not that good at sharing with my parents.  A bunch of strangers - sure! Hi!

No, no, no. None of this secrecy can be blamed on my parents (although, when I was 11 and had been getting my period for a few sporadic months but was embarrassed to tell my mother but finally told her because you know, it is some rite of passage or something.  She told my whole family and wanted to throw me a period party. A. Period. Party. You know where a bunch of her friends could tell me what it's like being a woman or something? I don't know, I emphatically said I couldn't think of anything WORSE and then proceeded to never trust her with a secret again...I mean she told everyone).

No, it's because of me.

See I use this space to think through decisions, vent about emotions I can't process using my verbal words, and to find humour in situations that are just down right getting me down.  Then once I've worked through all that shiznit, I can verbalise my decision, what I'm actually feeling, or the humour once I've found it.  But I don't want them to see the mess behind what I tell them, I don't want them to worry about their little girl around the world, and I don't want them to suggest solutions. So without this space to work through my problems and deal with change and emotion and anxiety and worry, I'd be...well, probably less communicative. (Inspector Climate just rolled his eyes saying "hah, that's not possible).

So is this just me? Did your mom want to throw you a period party? Why do you keep your blog a secret? Or not?

40 comments:

  1. Dude. I don't write about anything personal on my blog, so there's no reason to keep it from my friends/family...and I don't, really. I also don't talk about it a lot.

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  2. I love this post for many reasons, first of which is that it's personal and it's honest. Life isn't perfect, and it ain't always pretty. I blog because I tend to express myself more clearly in writing. I am so glad you can share your blog with us!

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  3. My blog isn't really secret per se - my mom reads it, and I have a few real friends that read it - but mostly it's for the same things you blog for - as a place to vent... figure out things. I told my mom long ago that if she wants to read my blog and follow me on Twitter, she's in for an eyeful. I don't hold back because of her. That said, I've tried to make it so you could never find my blog just by googling me -I mean, people could put two and two together, but it would take a bit of looking.

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  4. I am exactly the same way. I don't tell my family half of what's on my mind. But my blog? It gets the whole enchilada. I'm not comfortable having emotions with my family. It is what it is.

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  5. I love that you posted this because I am working on a similar post. My blog is secret from the real world, even my fiancé, until yesterday that is. He found me out.... I'll have to share about that.

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  6. i'm exactly the same, i'm just not a sharer with my parents. it would be nice to change that but at 29, it's unlikely.

    thanks for being so honest about this though, i like that you say what a lot of people are thinking.

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  7. I blog under a pseudonym so that all the killers I've put in jail over the past 15 years can't find me and, you know, kill me.

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  8. love this! my blog used to be a secret...not a true secret, i just never let people that were physically in my lives know about it. i feel sometimes the pressure from those people would alter my topics i discussed and how i would discuss them...so i didnt tell people about it.

    well time passed and i blogged about my great grandmother...never put her name on my blog or anything. somehow, my family members started searching her online and came across my blog. i was not happy...now i feel as though even though they don't probably always read it, i still have to be careful what i write. it is a bit discouraging!

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  9. Hahahaha, I was reading along and then got to the last sentence and about spit out my coffee. Ok, maybe not funny, but caught me off guard. No. No party for me. In blogging I am semi private. I have never used our last name or my husband's first. Just because I don't want any psycho fan reading it and reading into anything. But at the same time, if anyone had common sense and google searched, they could find out who we were in about 2.5 second.
    Great blog, very funny. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment on mine yesterday. Hope you are having a good start to the weekend!

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  10. I love the honesty on your blog, and understand your reasons for not wanting to share it with everyone.

    My blog has never been secret because it started out as a silly travel blog when I went to France. I hadn't planned on moving there and encountering a whole new world of stress, depression, and homesickness, but that's what happened. Over the years, I realized that all the negative stuff I was writing was probably hurting my parents (they are so far away and cant really do anything to help me), so I started censoring myself if only to spare them the hurt and worry.

    Now, I'm more careful of what I write to protect my family and friends and I find as I get older, I dont want the world to necessarily know everything I'm doing and thinking. So less ranting for me on there and more pics of the bébés!

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  11. I wouldn't say I keep it a secret, but I certainly haven't linked it to my facebook or go around saying 'Oh on my blog'.
    A few people know I have a blog, but they haven't asked to read it and I kind of hope they wont. It's nice having somewhere a bit for myself.
    I've always been a private person though. My mother doesn't understand it and constantly accuses me of being deceptive. It's not a betrayal, theres just somethings I never wanted to share with my family, like losing my virginity.
    Mum didn't throw me a period party but when Aunty Flo came to town the day of my Debutante Ball.. it was practically breaking news and EVERYONE who was there knew about it... Mum's!!

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  12. Few persons know about my blog, but I also like to keep it secret, it's my little kingdom.

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  13. I think what you've said is totally fair enough.

    I posted my blog on my facebook - once, when I first started it. But I kind of regret it since every now and then people I know mention they've read it and I remember things I've said that might be embarrassing. Also I've tried to make sure people can't find it by googling my real name though, since I'd prefer not to have it come up if a work-related person is searching for me.

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  14. I have two blogs, this one which I don't tell my friends or family about just because they wouldn't 'get it'. They'd think it was strange and superficial which is fine, some people just dont really understand why I do this or enjoy it so there's no real need to tell them.

    And I have another which is about my experience with moving from the UK to malta which I do tell friends and family about. In fact I use it as a way to keep peopel back home updated and its since turned into a big success. It's something they understand so I don't mind sharing..

    It definitely just depends on so many factors, a blog is quite personal so I dont think there's anything wrong with not telling the people closest to you xx

    Visit The Other Side Of Cool
    Tweet me! @othersideofcool

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  15. THANK GOD I had no such thing as a period party.

    And I blog under anonymity because I feel I can express myself better - there are too many boxes to tick and too many people to please other wise.

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  16. A PERIOD PARTY???? Oh my God... that sounds like something out of a Judy Blume book... My blog isn't remotely a secret. I told my parents in part because I wanted to be able to share with them without having to say things directly to them. It's much easier for me to communicate in writing, but sometimes they do get a little grumbly with me when they find things out on the blog instead of from me!

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  17. My blog is a secret as well. I use nick names to not jeapordize anyone's privacy. There's a level of respect that needs to be maintained when posting your personal life on the internet. There is also a level of privacy that you need to keep for yourself. Can you be completely honest about your hot, steamy affair if your father is keeping tabs on your blog? I don't think so...lol

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  18. I know exactly what you mean. I'm close to my parents, but don't tell them much. I never share my feelings, or how I'm so stressed right now that I can't sleep. It just feels weird to talk to them like I would my friends, you know?

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  19. I started my blog as a way to keep in touch with family when I moved to South Africa. But it has grown past my friends and family...and that has bothered them in some ways. They feel it's not "personal"...but I've never been one to tell my deepest thoughts to those that I am closest to. So I'm trying to balance it. I'd love to be more personal; I just have to figure out how...
    Here is my blog: http://withtoucomplexities.blogspot.com
    P.S. I'm a new follower!

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  20. I enjoyed reading your post. Your mother sounds like a riot. I didn't tell anyone about my blog at first, even though I don't write anything personal, because it was embarrassing somehow. I was afraid people would think, "what the heck does she have to blog about?" After reading my blog, they can answer that with "Not much!" My sister-in-law found out about my blog recently. She was very sweet and said it helped her get to know me. Will enjoy reading your blog in the future!

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  21. My folks know about my blog, my stepmum is subscribed by email! Then again, I'm from a very open and sharing family. I am rubbish at keeping secrets (for one I talk in my sleep and give them away!) and I have always found they bite me in the bum. Different strokes for different folks. If keeping your blog secret works for you, then why fix it if it ain't broke? :D

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  22. I do understand.

    Keep writing!

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  23. I started my blog as a way for my family to keep track of me as I was traveling, so they all know about it. Whether they read it or not...I don't know (some do, some don't). I don't talk about anything that I wouldn't tell them anyway. However, I definitely express myself better in writing!

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  24. A period party. Your mom absolutely sounds as embarrassing as mine. I'm impressed because that's no small feat.

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  25. I blog semi-anonymously because I like the freedom of being able to say what I think or feel without worrying about what someone else thinks about it or whether I'm offending them y'know...

    The funny thing is that I wouldn't mind meeting or socializing with non-South Africans and I'd even enjoy it. But I'm less inclined to do it with my fellow countrymen for reasons stated above and also because SA is a really small place and people love to talk / gossip / judge / carry tales etc. and be all up in your business. So I prefer talking to people who won't know my aunts and uncles and second cousins twice removed...

    In my experience, I find that sometimes people just want someone to *listen* to them and their problems. They don't want solutions or someone else's two cents worth on the matter.

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  26. I told my parents everything until I found out that can have it's drawbacks, and Adam is very selective of the information he shares with his family. We have friends with whom we share every little detail of our lives but somehow it's more trouble some when family gets involved. They either worry or interfere, to much or don;t seem to get whatever it is, so sometimes it's easier to let it slide. We all need someplace to go with our thoughts and a blog is as good as any, right? Love your honesty, great post!

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  27. I primarily blog anonymously because of my job, but even if that wasn't the case, I still think being anonymous is easier. Having people you see in real life read your inner thoughts can be harder than having the world read them, which makes no sense, but that is sort of the ironic beauty of blogging. I sometimes feel like my blog readers know me better than anyone. Funny how the Internet has changed things. I get you girl!

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  28. I have my first and last name on my blog. I'm a teacher and my students and co-workers know that I blog and occasionally read it. My mom and family members know about it and read, too! It's true that I have to censor myself as a result, but it's great because I am always aware of the quality of what I post!

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  29. You know when I kept my blog a secret initially... it was only because I just wanted my venting space to discover myself without any influence of people who knew me as someone...
    xx
    Siddy

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  30. Haha. A period party?! That made me laugh!! : ) I don't tell a lot of real life people about my blog. My parents, husband, and best friends know...and that's about it. I don't want my "acquaintance friends" to know all about it.

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  31. My blog is dying a slow death over in Typepad land ... It isn't a secret. My family knows about it and the URL is on my facebook and I started it mostly to share photos and stories when my daughter was a baby - but it isn't google-able (I never use my / our real names). BUT, sometimes I wish I did have a secret / anonymous blog / a space to vent about that which drives me crazy: other Americans in Aus who bitch about missing crap food like orange cheese and bisquick, the yummy mummies at my kid's school, the way my husband leaves cabinet doors open, my obese co-worker who won't let a carb past her lips and yet takes the lift instead of the stair. Whew! I feel better now! maybe I should just come here for that! ;-) (You can do the same in my comments if you want to reveal yourself here <-;)

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  32. My blog isn't a secret and I try to be really open on it. Thankfully, I know that although my mom sometimes reads it she doesn't read it every day, thank goodness.

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  33. I don't keep my blog a secret. It's pretty easy to find me online. There was a not-so-long-ago time where I shared absolutely everything on my blog. I've calmed down a lot since then. Now, I still use it to vent or express my somewhat unconventional opinions, but in a more anything-can-find-this way.

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  34. Initially my blog was never a secret, but I didn't share it (give people the link etc.)

    Now all of my family, and friend keep up with it, and at times, it's almost intimidating. I often wonder "how much is too much" in sharing. But i try to remember that this is my voice, in all of it's honesty, and I should be ashamed of it.

    I know what you mean though, about not wanting to let people worry. My Nanny once voiced that she was nervous about how much I shared on my blog. Haha.. I had to remind her that I wasn't a celebrity and people weren't going to hunt me down. I think she's cool now. haha

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  35. A period party?! That's a first :-)

    I talk about personal things on my blog but nothing so personal that my friends or family can't read it. I think I have the opposite thing with my parents -- I share a lot and they're used to it.

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  36. I keep mine a secret because I really don't want my family or my real life friends intruding on or commenting on how f'd up my life is.

    They don't have the answers, I don't need their sympathy.

    Venting to the world at large helps for me not to feel as alone facing the difficult issues. I switch locations when my family and ex found my old blog.

    It never ends well when someone close starts reading.

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  37. Iris - I totally get that!

    Steph - Thank you! Exactly, writing helps me process things.

    Carmen - Yes, well that's partly also why I blog under a nom de plume!

    Amelia - Weird isn't it? Since IC, I've gotten better at expressing emotions with my parents, but it's never been easy.

    Missa Lee - Please do about that! I feel like if I am writing about people consistently, that they should probably know about it

    SJ - It is such a hard thing to change.

    The Zadge - Well, that's fair enough.

    Megan - Yeah, that can be really hard! Even know I try to only write things that in the future wouldn't offend any family or friends - but I don't want to censor myself.

    TexaGermaNadian - That makes sense!

    Crystal - There is certainly a lot of being smart on the blog - what is Internet appropriate, that took me a long time to learn.

    Miss Sparkles - Gah! That would have been so embarrassing. I'm with you on the private person thing.

    Marina - It's nice to have a little space where you can present a slightly different side of yourself, isn't it?

    Lozzz - Yes, I definitely have the work fear as well!

    TheOtherSideofCool - I used to have two blogs as well, but then I stopped because i was posting on one with my real name and I just got tired of it.

    Prixie - Exactly!

    Angela Noelle - I was so horrified that this was something she wanted to do!

    Little Ms Fun - Hah, very true.

    Alex - Exactly! I am close to mine too, but I'm still very private.

    Lovely Light - Yes, that is so hard to balance that kind of thing.

    Sweet Posy Dreams - Aw, I think everyone has something to say on a blog!

    SHiny pigeon - Hah, exactly - I don't plan on telling them, but it is getting a bit hard to explain why I'm so in the know about different bloggers.

    Ellie - Thank you!

    Kyria - I try to keep my blog to stuff I would end up telling them anyway, but I just don't want them to read the process AS I'M GOING THROUGH IT

    Kyle - She actually isn't that embarrassing just hanging out - but she certainly has had her moments.

    Azra - Yes, it's not all about solutions. I've been hearing that a lot that SA is a small place, I never really considered that!

    Cheryl and Adam - Yes, I tend to be much more honest with friends than I am with my family.

    Teachergirl - It is funny isn't it!

    Oneika - I think I would post WAY less frequently and there would be WAY less substance if my family read it!

    Siddy - Totally get that.

    Megan - True story!

    The Lucky Gal - I AM SORRY YOU KNOW AMERICAN EXPATS WHO ARE MISSING ORANGE CHEESE?! Who are these crazy people?

    Krysten - I know I totally admire you for that!

    Titleless blog - Yeah, I guess I certainly don't share EVERYTHING. but I guess I just need that space to process emotions.

    O'Melly - it is a bit of a fear that people can stalk you via blogs! But eh.

    Heather - that's great!

    Bathwater - Aw, I have a sinking suspicion that eventually my family will find out about it, but until that happens. I'll just let it lie.

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  38. I don't think you have to explain anything! I think that if you don't talk about your blog in your "real life" then so be it!

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  39. i totally get it. i don't share much with my family either, never have. there was a lot of craziness going on when i was a kid, so i mostly just kept to myself, did my own thing, and made my friends my family, so my real family could take care of all the giant, traumatic stuff in life. they also raised me to be extremely independent and never expected me to include them in any of my decisions or to confide in them things going on in my life. and i'm totally happy about all that.

    as far as my blog goes, i know some family members read it {my mom, step-mom, and grandma (who calls it a "blob.")}, but that's about it. while i rarely talk to my family, i don't feel like i have anything to hide either, so i'm fine with them reading it. it does make me uncomfortable when the mr's family reads it though, or some friends/acquaintances from real life.

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  40. Only my husband knows about my blog and even he doesn't read it. I worry that I would feel like I had to censor it if anyone else knew. It's definitely another form of therapy for me and I don't want anything to ruin it!

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