Saturday, February 11, 2012

It's Just Flying to the Moon. No Big deal.

I started writing this post last weekend as I prepared for surgery.

I often feel the need to justify things that don't quite feel right to me.  Like I need to kind of make these items seem insignificant to myself and others in hopes that if we rush past we won't realise that all these things have a fairly dramatic impact on Future-Decoybetty.  It has something to do with my not meeting my own and others expectations as well.

"Mom, I'm just applying for permanent residency, so you know, I can stay if I want to"

"Oh, that was just a short term job working with a small not for profit"

"He broke up with me on facebook, but we'd only dated for a few months"

"It's just day surgery."

"I don't want to have kids because..."

"I got a great job, but it's only for few a months"

(Probably my all time favourite of these justifications was in a physics class in college.  The professor was a bit annoyed with us because we weren't getting some simple concept and finally said "REALLY, it's not like this is ROCKET SCIENCE...well, actually, that part here...that's rocket science.")
And even as I'm doing it, I want to gobble the justifications back into my mouth as they seem to be bubbling out of it.  Because all these things didn't need to be justified or belittled.

It was a short term job where I learned some new skills and propelled me into the position I have now (which B T Dubs, I have not once applied this "justify" language to when I tell people about the new job).  The relationship was crap.  No matter how crap, it's still a horrible thing to do to a person.  Sure it's fairly routine surgery, but man it scares the living bejesus out of me. And while I tell myself it pretty natural to feel scared everyone else around me seems to continue to put this in the "it's a not a big deal" box.

So, here I am recovering from just day surgery.  And lo, it is taking way longer than I expected it too. All those "Justs" and "Onlys" and "Becauses" made it seem like this was insignificant, however here I sit for days I've struggled to sit up and lie down (seriously, did you know you use your abs for that?!). I have three holes, albeit small ones (there I go again) that cut straight through my abdominal wall, and not only did I have my 4 x 3 cm endo growth (bygones Jorge) - I had several smaller ones which were removed and several adhesions which include my left ovary being stuck underneath my uterus and to my pelvic wall (How? Why?) that were fixed.  Why did I think I'd be recovered by now?

Inspector Climate is taking fantastic care of me.  He doles out the drugs, he makes sure I drink water, the day after surgery he helped me go the bathroom (humiliating), and is my biggest cheer leader for whatever new achievement I make each day (today it is sitting up with my computer on my lap).

I've missed you, I have more stories to tell from surgery, but have you been?


  1. I'm glad the Inspector is there for you. Oh, I'm sure you are thinking this is aging you instantly. Hopefully, you'll be better soon.

    Rest and enjoy being waited on.

  2. oh my goodness, it is so good to hear from you. i've thought of you often over the last few days and have wanted to check in but i have no idea what the heck time it is and figure no one appreciates a tweet at 3 am. i'm sorry to hear that your recovery isn't moving as quickly as you'd like. day surgery is a BIG deal. people only think surgery is 'major' surgery when it is happening to them. take care of yourself and make the inspector spoil you rotten!

  3. Ouch, girl! You poor dear. If it helps I think you're incredibly brave, and I'm sorry you had to go through all this. I can't imagine handling it with near as much grace.

  4. Yay to being able to sit up with your computer! Very exciting stuff :) And at least they found and fixed all the unexpected stuff in the one surgery rather than you having to go through the whole saga again in X months/years time!

    Also? I tend to do exactly the same thing. "Oh, I'm moving to Canberra. But it's only for a year, until I finish uni." Yeah, that didn't really work out as planned... *sigh*

  5. Aww! Feel better, lady! So happy that IC is supportive! As for me?! I've been absent from the blogosphere because this new job is kicking my ass and seriously cutting down on my internet time! bah!!!

  6. I try not to use gender stereotypes, but I think women (girls) are taught to justify, to make excuses. It doesn't seem like men tend to be the same way.

    Anyways, I hope you are healing up well. It sounds like you have a good nurse taking care of you. ;)

  7. Hooray for Jorge being expelled! Sorry to hear it's taking so long to recover, but it sounds like your husband is doing a great job looking after you :)

  8. There is no "just" surgery. When you are cut open, it's a big deal! And abdominal surgery takes time to heal from (I know - I had a C-section - not fun).

    So give yourself time to rest and recoup! Feel better soon!

  9. Jorge was a bitch. Glad he's gone. Wishing you a speedy recovery!

  10. We always think we'd be recovered by now. It's a trick to keep from freaking out when we realize that we couldn't ever be recovered by now.

  11. oh my, that sounds like MAJOR surgery to me! i'm so glad you're on the mend and taking care of yourself in whatever amount of time you need it. i totally understand your point though. it's so easy to not give credit where credit's due, whether it's a teeny tiny victory or extremely unpleasant emotions, and everything in between.

  12. Wow. That surgery was major and I am so glad that you have IC there to take care of you! You are a fighter, someone who tends to stay positive, and maybe that is why you try to minimize things in your life. Plus, they make them easier to deal with. The important thing is that you don't minimize your achievements because you are amazing.

    I hope you feel better soon!! Sending you virtual xoxo!

  13. Oh you poor baby. I say milk it for everything it's worth. It sounds like you have good reason to take it slow and heal. xoxo

  14. Glad to hear that things went well (and who knew ovaries could get stuck places like that?) and that you're on the mend, even if not fully mended yet. Hopefully your yoga practice and strong core will help speed things along (even though it may be awhile before you can go back to classes, alas.) Hang in there!

  15. Wow!!! My hats off to you! I have been struggling with kidney stones for the last year and everytime I have a CT scan I freak out because I think it's going to lead to surgery. I'm good so far. I'm right there with you in the whole "it's not a big deal" boat. I'm always like "What!?! It is a BIG deal dammit and your going to care!" I'm hope your recovery gets better. And thanks for stopping by my blog :)

  16. It sounds like your recovery is going well and you are well looked after. You do use your abs for a lot of things that you don't even realise.

    Rest up and get better.

  17. I don't think any kind of surgery is ever "not that big a deal". People can react differently to medications, anaesthetic, infection etc. so there is always a risk with any procedure. Glad to hear you are slowly getting better and that you have someone great to take care of you.

    And I do the "justify/downplay all my thoughts and actions" thing all the time. I think it IS a girl thing, and I think a lot of people who don't like attention drawn to themselves do it. But, I'd rather be humble and modest than arrogant!

  18. I really liked this post, I know what you mean!

    Hope you get better soon :D

  19. Oh wow you are so brave and strong! I hope your recovery speeds up soon. Glad that you have someone to take care of you and spoil you!

  20. Maybe the justifications (especially for the surgery) is a sort of calming, self-preservation? It may not be *such* a bad thing ;)

    Anyways, I hope you're feeling better today. Take it easy, eat some ice cream.

  21. That doesn't sound like "just" anything to me. I'm glad you're on the mend.

  22. Happy post surgery! GOODBYE, Jorge!


  23. I am so glad that he is there to help you! Surgeries are traumatic -- no matter if they are simple or complex. A surgery is still a surgery. My thoughts are with you!
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

  24. hopefully you feel better and fully recovered from it! sorry to hear you're not recovering as fast as you like but as long as you end up being 100% healthy that is best!

  25. Ellie - IC keeps saying he has a clear picture of what I'll be like when I'm in my 80s!

    Poptartyogini - This is such a sweet comment, thank you for thinking of me! it is a big deal!

    Diary of Why - Thank you, rachel!

    Melbourne on my mind - yes! Had they found any endo on my bowel, they would've left it!

    Oneika - Aw! I'm sorry that the new job is so time intensive! But they all are at first, aren't they?

    E - I do kind of agree with this!

    Lozzz - He is fantastic. I actually think I'm recovering fairly quickly...I just wish people hadn't been like "Only day surgery, you'll be fine in no time!"

    Tonya - Exactly! Eep a c-section! That must be so hard.

    The Zadge - SUCH A BITCH.

    Twisted Susan - Ahhh, is that what it is? Good to know :)

    Kimbirdy - Yes, Exactly! Oh Kim, how I've missed you! :)

    teachergirl - Thank you my dear! It was a pretty big deal.

    Susan Walsh - Hah, I am appreciating the capacity to sit around and heal! it's so nice.

    Emily - I had no idea that ovaries were so mobile! :)

    Erica - Kidney stones! Ouchy! it is a big deal! and I hope that you don't need to have surgery!!

    Gracie - RIGHT? Who knew. I'll never underestimate my abs again!

    Crystal - I have to agree with you! I never thought about it as a girl thing, but I think you ladies are right!

    Niina - Thank you!

    The Alternate Wife - Thank you! it is speeding up! I'm feeling great today!

    Iris - I don't know, it was pretty horrible when other people didn't seem to take them that seriously..."Just surgery! eh?"

    Jane - Thank you!

    Heather - GOOD BYE indeed.

    Bonnie - Thanks Bonnie, I'm totally with you!

    Pop Champagne - Yes, I'm slowly getting there. I thin it's because everyone kept saying "it's not a big deal" I thought I'd be up and moving much sooner.

  26. We missed you too. Do you at least get to keep Jorge? Or is that just sick and twisted of me? :)

  27. Glad to hear that you're at home and have a great nurse taking care of you!

  28. surgery is surgery! it counts! i hope you're recovering well. if you want to lament about all the things you use your abs for and suddenly can't anymore (i discovered new ones every day for about a week) i'm always here to listen! i feel your pain, woman. literally.

  29. Wow!! This sounds very similar to what I had. Check your email when you get a chance- I'd love to share stories!