I started writing this post last weekend as I prepared for surgery.
I often feel the need to justify things that don't quite feel right to me. Like I need to kind of make these items seem insignificant to myself and others in hopes that if we rush past we won't realise that all these things have a fairly dramatic impact on Future-Decoybetty. It has something to do with my not meeting my own and others expectations as well.
"Mom, I'm just applying for permanent residency, so you know, I can stay if I want to"
"Oh, that was just a short term job working with a small not for profit"
"He broke up with me on facebook, but we'd only dated for a few months"
"It's just day surgery."
"I don't want to have kids because..."
"I got a great job, but it's only for few a months"
(Probably my all time favourite of these justifications was in a physics class in college. The professor was a bit annoyed with us because we weren't getting some simple concept and finally said "REALLY, it's not like this is ROCKET SCIENCE...well, actually, that part here...that's rocket science.")
And even as I'm doing it, I want to gobble the justifications back into my mouth as they seem to be bubbling out of it. Because all these things didn't need to be justified or belittled.
It was a short term job where I learned some new skills and propelled me into the position I have now (which B T Dubs, I have not once applied this "justify" language to when I tell people about the new job). The relationship was crap. No matter how crap, it's still a horrible thing to do to a person. Sure it's fairly routine surgery, but man it scares the living bejesus out of me. And while I tell myself it pretty natural to feel scared everyone else around me seems to continue to put this in the "it's a not a big deal" box.
So, here I am recovering from just day surgery. And lo, it is taking way longer than I expected it too. All those "Justs" and "Onlys" and "Becauses" made it seem like this was insignificant, however here I sit for days I've struggled to sit up and lie down (seriously, did you know you use your abs for that?!). I have three holes, albeit small ones (there I go again) that cut straight through my abdominal wall, and not only did I have my 4 x 3 cm endo growth (bygones Jorge) - I had several smaller ones which were removed and several adhesions which include my left ovary being stuck underneath my uterus and to my pelvic wall (How? Why?) that were fixed. Why did I think I'd be recovered by now?
Inspector Climate is taking fantastic care of me. He doles out the drugs, he makes sure I drink water, the day after surgery he helped me go the bathroom (humiliating), and is my biggest cheer leader for whatever new achievement I make each day (today it is sitting up with my computer on my lap).
I've missed you, I have more stories to tell from surgery, but first...how have you been?