I'm not sure what made me think I'd outgrow the feeling completely. But it has been years since I felt this way. Inspector Climate's arrival into my life made it so there was no more room for doubt on whether right now Australia is the right home for me. Until last week.
Last week, Inspector Climate's grandfather passed away unexpectedly (I'll write more about him next time...he deserves his own post). We drove a little over two hours to the hospital to visit him one last time before he "was gone" as Inspector Climate's grandmother says. We got to be with Inspector Climate's parents, his sister, his aunt, his grandmother. We were there, a network of support and love during a time when nothing feels supportive or loving.
It was new for me, being the in-law in a time of difficulty and pain. An add in on a family during such heart ache.
I kept myself there (for the most part) to rub Inspector Climate's back during the funeral, to hug his dad afterwards, to talk to his sister about how horrifying it must be to lose your partner of 60 years, and to listen to his mom who needed to vent about too much time spent with her in laws.
I tried to not make it about me. But now it is inevitable, here I am. 15000 miles away from my elderly and not doing all that well grandparents. When the moment comes, I cannot get to them in time for one last goodbye. I will not be there in the middle of the night when my parents get that call.
Instead I'm over here. Literally on the opposite side of the world. What am I doing here? Why am I so far away?
I've never felt so much apart of Inspector Climate's family, but I've also not felt quite this alone and isolated for a long time.
Being so far away might be the right choice, but it isn't always the easy one.