For two weeks in a row - I've made mistakes at work. Nothing huge, nothing serious, nothing even remotely horrifying - but mistakes all the same. (I haven't told anyone company secrets, I haven't sexually harrassed a co-worker, and I certainly have not stolen money from my work place. In fact, I made a spelling error in a tweet, THERE I SAID IT).
And each time, the same thing happens (and luckily both times have been when I'm working at home), I sob uncontrollably for basically the rest of the day. All I do is relive the moment the error happened and then think about how I could prevent that same mistake from happening again.
Which honestly is a pretty good reaction because it means that I'm thinking of new processes for myself to minimise errors. The bad thing is reliving the mistake over and over and over, sobbing, berating myself, and being generally quite mean to me.
Me doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.
Of course, it's easy for me to say that above statement now. Now that I've had a good night sleep and have distanced myself a bit from the mistakes that have been made. I mean - sure.
But at the time, I just can't. I can't even begin to describe how embarrassed and horrified I am.
And it might be because of the public nature of these mistakes. I make a mistake and everyone sees it because I'm externally communicating our messages. It might be because I've always reacted this way when I make mistakes.
I'm like the puppy that chews your shoe - by accident! - and knows immediately that it was a horrible terrible thing to do and goes running off into another part of the house; tail between my legs, whimpering to myself and then won't come back down because the embarrassment is just too much to handle.
I've said it 1000 times, and I'll say it 50,000 more times I'm sure, but I'm not good at learning new things and I'm not good at forgiving myself when I don't pick things up as easily as I think I should. But part of this I think stems from my fear of making mistakes - and making mistakes is terrible because of the way I treat myself after I've made one. It would be so much easier if I could just learn to make mistakes, say to myself, "Self, that was a truly bad idea next time don't do that" and then move on.
Maybe I won't master that in this life time, but maybe in the next one.