I've spent a lot of time deciding whether I should post this. I wrote it months ago, but with my last post I figured - what the hell?
Depression, to me (I can only speak from my experience...maybe depression to you is a giant white whale or 1000 javelins or glass shards) is like a giant puddle. I dip my toes in around the edges sometimes.
I can go weeks and months without seeing the puddle at all - I know it's there. It's always there. But I'm far away from it. Other times, I'm walking around it, the bottoms of my feet wet and the sand sticking to them more and more until it's hard to walk. My jaw is clenched all the time and I cry a lot.
Then the water laps around my ankles. My knees. My thighs. I try to brush it away with my hands and the puddle engulfs me more it's up to my belly button. My neck. I close my eyes and think, ok...this is it.
And then, I'm out. Coughing, spluttering, with a giant rash because Depression Puddles aren't made of good clean spring water - and it takes weeks to heal. My skin and my heart are raw from the sand and the dirty water.
I'm not there now. Not in the puddle. But I'm near it. Very near it. My toes are getting wet. I'm dabbling in depression. Not committing yet. Teetering on the edge of making it away from the puddle and just stepping in.
Everything seems too hard. Wedding planning is too much, decision making is exhausting. I try to unclench my jaw and my teeth grind against each other in protest. I'm tired all the time. Waking up in the morning, one of my skills normally, is a giant chore. My eyes don't want to open. Staying closed is easier they say.
I don't want to see friends. Acting like I'm not falling apart is too hard sometimes. And I'm not falling apart, yet.
I tell myself, if I have just one weekend where I don't have any social engagements I can just lie on the couch and blog and relax I'll be able to dry off my toes and walk away from the puddle. I can hold on for just one more weekend right?
I'm hyper aware of the puddle now. I used to just fall in without notice, but now I can't bear the thought of taking Inspector Climate with me into the puddle again.