Friday, July 20, 2012

Depression...is like a puddle.

I've spent a lot of time deciding whether I should post this. I wrote it months ago, but with my last post I figured - what the hell?

Depression, to me (I can only speak from my experience...maybe depression to you is a giant white whale or 1000 javelins or glass shards) is like a giant puddle.  I dip my toes in around the edges sometimes.

I can go weeks and months without seeing the puddle at all - I know it's there. It's always there. But I'm far away from it. Other times, I'm walking around it, the bottoms of my feet wet and the sand sticking to them more and more until it's hard to walk.  My jaw is clenched all the time and I cry a lot.

Then the water laps around my ankles. My knees. My thighs. I try to brush it away with my hands and the puddle engulfs me more it's up to my belly button. My neck. I close my eyes and think, ok...this is it.

And then, I'm out. Coughing, spluttering, with a giant rash because Depression Puddles aren't made of good clean spring water - and it takes weeks to heal. My skin and my heart are raw from the sand and the dirty water.

I'm not there now. Not in the puddle. But I'm near it. Very near it.  My toes are getting wet. I'm dabbling in depression. Not committing yet. Teetering on the edge of making it away from the puddle and just stepping in.

Everything seems too hard. Wedding planning is too much, decision making is exhausting.  I try to unclench my jaw and my teeth grind against each other in protest. I'm tired all the time. Waking up in the morning, one of my skills normally, is a giant chore. My eyes don't want to open. Staying closed is easier they say.

I don't want to see friends.  Acting like I'm not falling apart is too hard sometimes.  And I'm not falling apart, yet.

I tell myself, if I have just one weekend where I don't have any social engagements I can just lie on the couch and blog and relax I'll be able to dry off my toes and walk away from the puddle. I can hold on for just one more weekend right?

I'm hyper aware of the puddle now. I used to just fall in without notice, but now I can't bear the thought of taking Inspector Climate with me into the puddle again.

22 comments:

  1. I hope you can get some space and time Deirdre. I don't have any answers for you as I think they come from you. I hope you can during this difficult time just take note of the simple and wonderful things around you also. You write beautifully and express yourself well and maybe this is a great medium to help. I hope you can be alleviated from some of your work load and find some peace. I wish you well.

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  2. Oh my. Puddle is a good word of this bastard. And I know it too. Only during pregnancy and breast feeding period though. Months of being sick of yourself and everything around you. How much do hormones really control? Professional help before you reach the puddle is my advice. Take care Deidre.

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  3. I like the analogy of it. Of course, sometimes, you just never know where the puddle will be.

    Wishing you a lot of positive energy. Just remember all the wonderful things you have on your side.

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  4. Mine is the Darkness or the Nothing. How cliche. Puddle sounds nicer.

    I hope things have been going better for you in the months since you wrote this.

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  5. Deidre, I'm glad you decided to post this. I have family members that wrestle with depression and I think I'm going to send them your post. You are not alone and are brave for realizing and sharing this with us

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  6. Great analogy and I struggle with this as well, you've described it perfectly. Sending good energy and thoughts your way!!

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  7. I relate to this so much, and even though this post is about one of the hardest things to face in this life, it is also very beautiful. You have captured depression in a beautifully sad way. I pray for you and that you are able to find your way out soon. *hugs*

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  8. This is probably the best I have ever heard someone describe depression. Hope you will feel better for posting it:)

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  9. I reacted very strongly to this but I'm not sure what to say. I've struggled with depression since my early teens so...I get it. And I get that everyone is different & depression is different for everyone. I've always pictured mine like the cloud that follows that lady around in one of the depression med commercials (can't remember which one).

    I hope your puddle is not so close these days. I've found blogging to be quite therapeutic. I hope you're able to find more time for some release.

    Some of my depression-related posts if you're interested: http://cairelchronicles.blogspot.com/search/label/Depression

    Hang in there girl.

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  10. puddle u can't get out of?
    hope u feel better :)

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  11. Personally, I find that the most interesting, creative, emotional people I've met in my life suffer from The Puddle at some point in their life. Indeed, I am one of them. I think it is something in the brain that goes along with being fascinating and emotive and connected to the world. As one of your "elders", I can tell you that it *does* get much more manageable as you get older. It does. HUGS!

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  12. I refer to it as the shadow; it's always there, lurking, even when the sun is shining.

    Things will get better.

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  13. I recognise that I can't 'fix you' by saying anything in particular. But I do understand what you are saying. And I hope you can find a way to help things improve.

    For me, it's more like a big dirty hole that I occasionally tumble into. Sometimes I find myself digging more and more, until I can't really see the light at the top.

    When it's that bad, I've found that medication can be like somebody throwing me a rope. It's still hard work climbing back up to the top, and I have to do it on my own. Sometimes I slip back down a little, but I can get there.

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  14. Because I've been there, I know there's not really anything I can say to make you feel better. But you're very brave for sharing this. Thank you.

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  15. Lets hope you walked away from the puddle - or at the very least you're drying yourself off. I can relate in more ways than you can imagine. It's not pretty and often demands from us what seems to be the impossible!

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  16. I came to you page because you posted a comment to mine (about music links ... from Irish Katie) ... and I wanted to thank you.

    Then ... then read you depression is like a puddle post.

    *sighs* ... too many of us are feeling this way. I have made it out. *thinks if mine was a puddle* ... and decides....decides mine was *thinking* ... I need to think what mine was.

    However, reading your post ... made me again realize how easy it can be to slip again.

    I hope you find you way out of the dark feelings.

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  17. Thinking of you. Please let me know if I can help in any way.

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  18. I hope you are feeling better as well. The puddle is never any fun, no matter how deep you are in.

    Sending you positive vibes :)

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  19. ::hug::

    I'm sorry you've been going through a rough patch, and hope that you've been feeling better since you wrote it a few months ago.

    (It's beautifully written, by the way.)

    Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Don't try to ignore the depression and tackle it head-on. And do things that make you happy, including fun stuff with Inspector Climate.

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  20. I've suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life. When I was young, I thought it was normal. During high school, it was enough to be hospitalized a few times. (My parents tended to worry and overreact a lot.) Even though now, I have little to be depressed about, it doesn't matter. I'm constantly worried I could slip back into it. It's always there, lurking. This post really spoke to me because of that.

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  21. I really wish you were not going through this. You seem like such a good kind hearted person. Thinking of you..

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  22. I love this analogy. I completely understand this. I've been a victim of the puddle many times. hang in there girl!

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