Thursday, August 09, 2012

And now for something I've never written before...ever.

After nine years of blogging, there are very few things that I have never written about before - but sex is that thing. And for most of that, it was because I wasn't having sex. So that helped.

I've always been the type that thinks sex is between me and my guy - I don't really talk to my girlfriends about it either. It's just not what I do.

But I think we can safely say that here, what I'm about to talk about is NOT having sex. Which is completely different, right?

For the last year, sex has been a sporadic and not reliable part of our life. You see about a year ago, I got diagnosed with a Jorge (big endometrioma) and I felt sick ALL the time. Being sick, clearly didn't do great things for my sex drive. But on the off chance that I wasn't feeling sick - I felt up for ahem, horizontal tango.

Then six months ago (SIX MONTHS AGO), I had surgery. That didn't really improve my sex impulse. We thought maybe it would come back.

It hasn't.

In fact, I'm basically never in the mood. EVER. And if on the off chance I can be convinced (and it does take convincing), afterwards my emotions get so over the top that I either cry uncontrollably or get so angry about nothing (last time it was having to leave the house. I HAD TO LEAVE. It was raining. RAINING. Can you believe this world that I live in. One where I have to LEAVE the HOUSE when it's RAINING) that actually I can't really function - and also am so horrible that Inspector Climate probably wonders why he wanted to have sex with me in the first place.

All in all, I miss my healthy sex drive and having normal fairly level emotions (I've missed those for a long time.  Last week, I had a minor break down about making scones...).

I asked The Miracle Worker (my beloved acupuncturist who has quite literally changed me) and she thinks it's all part of the healing process.  The root shakra apparently is known for creativity, emotion, strength and between surgery and the amount of trauma the area has been through - is it any wonder that healing will take time?

While she told me to forgive myself for getting angry and upset, the fact that I get angry and upset makes me feel less than. 

There are very few times when my mind and my body disagree so completely. Usually we're on the same page:

My mind: This cliff is really high above the ocean - that's a bit scary.
My body: Yes, let's tread carefully.

My mind: I'm homesick
My body: Let's stay inside and drink tea and maybe cry a bit.

My mind: Let's have sex.
My body: Hah. No.

I guess, here's to healing. No matter how slowly.

15 comments:

  1. Its all an up hill battle. Issues do come up..and the window of time sometimes only a small moment. I'm glad you have the acupuncturist to talk to about these issues. And its really great you have some as understandable as your significant other.

    Besides, its not all about sex. I think its good to just rest and relax with each other. It might be doing a crossword puzzle or watching TV. Just be there for each other. Walks. Picking berries and of course..dancing.

    Oh, and Melatonin has really helped too.

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  2. For me, exercise. The harder I work at the gym the more I need my husband - ;). I've been told it is because exercise releases testosterone. Running, weights and super sexy (but comfortable!) bras and panties does the trick for me.

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  3. Sorry to hear things are rough.

    I think you prefer more 'natural' solutions (? correct me if I'm wrong!), but maybe you could consider antidepressants/prescription medication. I was in a similar place, and about 5 months on medication made a huge difference. To my feelings, my wellbeing, my state of mind, etc

    You are already taking care of yourself in other ways, but this could be another step to consider? It just doesn't sound like everything is working well for you at the moment.

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  4. I can understand how this can be so FRUSTRATING. I still can't predict what my appetite is going to be like and I don't know the factors either but I know that sleep helps. That's about all I got. And now that I think of it, it's rather pathetic. I hope that you heal though. And heal well

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  5. I second what Kat said above. I have been through a very similar experience, and although I wasn't too keen on taking anti-depressants, they made a HUGE difference. Within days - yes, days!) I started to feel like my old self again and the side effects were minimal. I was on them for about 6 months, so it doesn't have to be a forever thing.

    At the very least, it's probably worth discussing with your doctor.

    Exercise - at least 20 minutes of cardio exercise that gets your heart pumping - is also a great mood enhancer. Endorphins are amazing. You don't have to run - you could dance around your flat, skip, hoola hoop, whatever you like that makes your heart pound.

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  6. I'm so sorry. Have you had your harmones checked?

    And as long as you're still hugging and kissing, that's still physical love.

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  7. Awwwww, poor Deidre... You've really been having a rough time in the past year!! :( Hopefully the acupuncturist can help out with this too. Otherwise, who knows - maybe when you get home next month, things will seem more normal to your body!

    *hugs*

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  8. I have a diminished libido due to the fact that I'd always rather go to sleep than have sex even when I know it's going to be thrilling.
    I'm able to compensate for my lack of enthusiasm with a few mental tricks which ensure things keep rolling along.

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  9. perhaps you could try being 'intimate' without the pressure of 'oh now i have to have sex', like just kissing (a LOT) but nothing more...or massage...something re-connecting on a physical and emotional level.

    i have found from experience that although this can be hard, it worked for me.

    all the best :)

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  10. I'm all for natural, alternative treatments, but it sounds like it's time for a good old medical doctor. Get your hormones checked. You are WAY too young for this right now.

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  11. I am in a similar state because of my health issues and it has been a LONG time since I've done the deed. I sometimes wonder if it is ever going to happen again. It could be your hormone levels from having Jorge. I hope that things get better for you and I both soon! *hugs*

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  12. I'm pretty sure this is one of those "it's not you, it's me" situations. And by "me," I mean your wonky hormones caused by either Jorge or a bout of depression. Don't blame yourself - things will level themselves out evenutally. In the meantime, don't put any pressure on yourself; it will only make trying to get a libido back even worse.

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  13. I didn't realize Jorge created this much havoc! The little shit. I haven't experienced anything like this, I know you've probably had it with doctors but would it be worth talking to them again? What about being romanced? Does any of that help? A holiday? Another honeymoon? Maybe not thinking about it happening...like not anticipating it? As you can tell I'm clutching at straws, I seriously have no idea :(

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  14. What an honest post. I have the same issue regarding sex but for a completely different reason...it's almost becoming draining on my end so I've haven't a clue. However, I think there are a number of good suggestions from others that we and others struggling could invest in.

    I do hope things get better.

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  15. That's rough! I know when I wasn't feeling good I never felt like it either.

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