After nine years of blogging, there are very few things that I have never written about before - but sex is that thing. And for most of that, it was because I wasn't having sex. So that helped.
I've always been the type that thinks sex is between me and my guy - I don't really talk to my girlfriends about it either. It's just not what I do.
But I think we can safely say that here, what I'm about to talk about is NOT having sex. Which is completely different, right?
For the last year, sex has been a sporadic and not reliable part of our life. You see about a year ago, I got diagnosed with a Jorge (big endometrioma) and I felt sick ALL the time. Being sick, clearly didn't do great things for my sex drive. But on the off chance that I wasn't feeling sick - I felt up for ahem, horizontal tango.
Then six months ago (SIX MONTHS AGO), I had surgery. That didn't really improve my sex impulse. We thought maybe it would come back.
In fact, I'm basically never in the mood. EVER. And if on the off chance I can be convinced (and it does take convincing), afterwards my emotions get so over the top that I either cry uncontrollably or get so angry about nothing (last time it was having to leave the house. I HAD TO LEAVE. It was raining. RAINING. Can you believe this world that I live in. One where I have to LEAVE the HOUSE when it's RAINING) that actually I can't really function - and also am so horrible that Inspector Climate probably wonders why he wanted to have sex with me in the first place.
All in all, I miss my healthy sex drive and having normal fairly level emotions (I've missed those for a long time. Last week, I had a minor break down about making scones...).
I asked The Miracle Worker (my beloved acupuncturist who has quite literally changed me) and she thinks it's all part of the healing process. The root shakra apparently is known for creativity, emotion, strength and between surgery and the amount of trauma the area has been through - is it any wonder that healing will take time?
While she told me to forgive myself for getting angry and upset, the fact that I get angry and upset makes me feel less than.
There are very few times when my mind and my body disagree so completely. Usually we're on the same page:
My mind: This cliff is really high above the ocean - that's a bit scary.
My body: Yes, let's tread carefully.
My mind: I'm homesick
My body: Let's stay inside and drink tea and maybe cry a bit.
My mind: Let's have sex.
My body: Hah. No.
I guess, here's to healing. No matter how slowly.