Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Compromise

Tonight, Inspector Climate and I cooked dinner listening to our newly created (heavy on the Motown and Amelie) wedding play list. I danced wildly in the kitchen while he did the dishes - it's what we do. And then I was suddenly angrily stirring the curry.

Inspector Climate said "You have to stop being happy and dancing one minute and at the edge of tears the next"

I did the logical thing and cried. "Do you think I CHOOSE to be like this" I sobbed.

No, I don't choose to have highs and lows within 15 seconds of each other. However, it has become the norm around here. It's not pleasant, and ho boy, do I wish I could change it.

But what caused this particular nose dive to grumpyville? The word compromise.

I've been brought up thinking that compromising until both parties are satisfied is a great thing. Compromise has always been the aim.

Is there a dirtier word than compromise? Right now? To me? No.

What I didn't realise was how much compromise was involved in planning a wedding - and not with Inspector Climate (although there has been some, but he's you know marrying me so he should have some say, no?).

I know logically, that this is just one day. One day of many that I get to be with my guy.  But it is probably the only day that my whole immediate family will be with his immediate family. It is probably the only day that we'll declare our love and adoration for each other in front of all the people who are nearest and dearest to us.  But it's still just a day.

And in theory, I get it. I do.

But in practice...I had a vision on who would be there - I've compromised. On what we would eat, I've compromised. On what I'd wear - I've compromised. On what time the wedding would be - I've compromised. On what the wedding party would wear - I've compromised. 

Even writing this, I realise how selfish I must sound. How silly it must be - Oh, that girl won't have the vegetarian gluten free wedding of her dreams...pour soul. And I am grateful - I'm so grateful that I'll be surrounded by people I love and I found him, ya'll! I found him. 

But still.

 

18 comments:

  1. You have to compromise on what YOU get to wear? What?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm annoyed for you. Obviously I don't know the whole stories, but the things you just listed sound like things you should absolutely not compromise on.

    I would not throw a party where I couldn't eat the food. That's just awful.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You won't remember all the things you compromised on years later - you will just remember the joy and love!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've totally been there and completely understand how you feel. Don't worry, once the big day gets here it will all seem worth it! And then you and Inspector Climate have a lifetime of compromising to look forward to... ha ha, kidding!

    ReplyDelete
  5. If there is any day a girl shouldn't have to apologize for being pissy about compromise, it's her wedding day. 'Nuff said.


    Only good thing about all of this is that years later you'll be able to look back & laugh at crazy so-and-so who made you put meat on the menu & who made you start the wedding at a certain time. You'll be able to laugh at how much everyone cared how THEY would be effected on YOUR day. *sigh* It'll all be over soon, right?

    Hang in there. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ugh... I am going to tell you something I'd wished I'd known BEFORE planning a wedding.

    Weddings bring out the worst in people.

    You would think it would be the opposite. Weddings are supposed to be happy, love filled affairs.

    Unfortunately, everyone wants their way, and inevitably people will get hurt.

    But I'm going to tell you something else I wish I'd known. And something I am keeping in mind if I ever get married again.

    It is YOUR WEDDING. Well, yours and Inspector Climates. So the only person you should be compromising with is HIM. Otherwise, don't let the outside drama get to you. It is not worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hrrrmm, I have a feeling there's no right answer to this but it's okay to feel how you feel. You shouldn't apologize for your emotions. I can imagine how they all come bubbling to the surface and it's okay. Take a deep breath and go back to being happy (and excited) about getting married to your one and only :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. But still..it is your day. They need to compromise to you.

    I just feel bad how emotional it all gets for you. I hope it'll be wonderful.

    It makes me think how upset my cousin's hubby was at their wedding. It was suppose to start at 6 sharp..at sunset..but..too much photo opt. It was closer to 7, he hadn't eaten and almost passed out when the ceremony started.

    Then when it came to the vows, he couldn't remember them..she helped him.

    At the party..neither were old enough to drink.

    "I just kept telling him..sleep it off. Just sleep it off, babe." Of course, she took like 3 different antidepressants to get through the whole ordeal herself.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh man. I went ten kinds of crazy over our wedding. I swore I wouldn't. But then PEOPLE got involved.

    I wanted a destination wedding - his grandmother (who can't travel) told us the thought of attending our wedding was giving her something to live for.

    So I compromised on a simple, inexpensive local wedding - one million people told me I had to have ________ that added to the complexity and budget and would not take no for an answer (even though they weren't paying).

    So I compromised again on the location. Then came compromises on the dress, the budget (again), the flowers (that I didn't want in the first place!), the food.

    In the end, I gave up. I picked the things that were important to me (cupcakes, cookies, shoes, no religious stuff, and music) and kind of gave up on the rest. It ended up being a really awesome, fun party. And no one (well, except one of my cousins who wasn't invited because we really couldn't afford to invite cousins) held any lasting grudges.

    My advice is to pick the stuff that matters most to you and Inspector Climate, and stick to your guns on those things. I kept quiet about wedding details I thought would get negative feedback. Also, I found saying, "Oh! That's a cool thought! I'll write that in my idea book" when people gave me asinine suggestions/advice about those areas was a good way for me to avoid conflict but still ultimately get what I wanted.

    Good luck. Sanity is just around the corner.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You know, people always say that about weddings--"it's just a day", but it's not. It's a special day and you are absolutely allowed to have feelings about YOUR special day! Most people who are throwing their opinions at you have already HAD their special day. The two people that should matter the most are you and Inspector Climate. Everyone else can just find a way to get on with their lives if you don't choose to plan your wedding the way they would. At the very least, you should be able to wear what you want to wear and eat what you want to eat. For goodness sake!

    ReplyDelete
  11. There's so much stress involved in planning a wedding! It makes me very glad we decided on a simple (and secret!) registry office wedding, followed by a party with our families.

    I think you will still have an amazing wedding that you will remember forever, no matter how many compromises you both have to make. :)


    P.S. I just wanted to add that I regularly read your blog but I don't comment as often as I want to because I can't use the name/URL option. None of the other comment options lead to active accounts of mine! I AM reading along, though, and I always appreciate the comments you leave on my blog. Thank-you. :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh honey. I FEEL your pain. Thinking about going through our second wedding and Husband and I are ALREADY having arguments about who should be invited. That's just the guest list!!! But I agree completely with so many of the commenters here: YOU and IC's opinions are THE ONLY ones that count. I don't think you should be a bridezilla but you don't have to be a pushover, either. If you want gluten free than Damnit GO GLUTEN FREE! Make people eat adventurously for once.

    Also? Once other people are involved in the wedding process it becomes a royal fucking mess. Avoid asking for opinions and sharing details whenever possible.

    BIG HUGS darling!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Give the compromises a chance. They aren't what you planned, but perhaps, in retrospect, it'll feel like these compromises were your dreams all along.

    Lor

    ReplyDelete
  14. It's a tough one, isn't it? I know if P and I got married in Fiji it would have been a nightmare. We did it in Hong Kong and thankfully we were both on the same page about it. I've learnt that the only people we take into consideration are parents and siblings, and even then only a few siblings. And we have large families so getting our priorities right and telling people how it is has helped in other areas - but I have no idea about the wedding bit. Just remember it is about YOU and IC, but mostly YOU. Everyone else can just get into event planning/management or get married again themselves instead of telling you what you should do! Hang in there girl xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think it's normal to feel like this, it's your big special day and it is bound to heighten emotion. There is a lot of compromise with weddings but when the day comes you'll still have a wonderful time.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You know I'm with you on all of this chica (emotional rollercoaster AND the wedding planning)! And even on Skype and the phone, I feel guilty being happy with Gav one moment and crying and stressing about work, how long the visa is taking, some private family matters, friends getting upset about not being in the wedding party, etc. *HUG*!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Even for our small wedding where we personally called all our guests and our tiny reception, it was still stressful! We got into a shouting fight over what clothes we were going to wear. He didn't care. I cared too much. Weddings are always stressful times. Now, looking back, I think our fight was funny.

    ReplyDelete
  18. =( I hope that your wedding still feels like you! Make sure you don't compromise too much! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete