So something has happened and I can't talk about it, yet.
However this is unfortunate because I have a lot of feelings around it. And if this space is useful for one reason it's for expressing feelings. To preface this, Inspector Climate and I are perfect. He's a saint.
I just deleted a paragraph of a list of feelings followed by list of cliched responses to those feelings "Betrayed- rug pulled out from under me" but none of that is useful in writing about how the situation I've suddenly found myself in sucks. Like literally it's the pits. The depths of despair if you're Anne of Green Gables fans.
I cried myself to sleep last night and prior to that the evening was punctuated with giant sobbing fests.
I mostly feel like a failure, like if I was a better person or less of who I am then I could have avoided this (what you can't see is that I'm waving my arms around indicating this space that I'm in...). If only I could push myself a little harder and I could've tried more to be whatever it is that I needed to be I wouldn't feel so desperate and horrified.
And on top of that of course I'm angry. I'm angry that I feel like failure for things that are so out of my control and I'm angry that if I had known what I know now I would've planned for the future better. I'm angry that I trusted and that I believed in what I should have known what was not to be. And I'm angry that I didn't trust my own instincts when I started feeling uncertain.
I feel horrible and not in the way that depression feels like, no this is external horrible which is almost worst and almost more overwhelming because I know deep down with depression the answer to stop feeling that way is somewhere inside me. But this, the problem wasn't my problem and the solution isn't the solution for me but the situation of I've been put in.
There are moments of hope, moments where I can see how things might be better for Inspector Climate and I, moments of stillness and even excitement. But they are few of these.
So here I am, feeling things.
How are you?