Friday, December 07, 2012

Because of that thing...

So something has happened and I can't talk about it, yet.

However this is unfortunate because I have a lot of feelings around it. And if this space is useful for one reason it's for expressing feelings. To preface this, Inspector Climate and I are perfect. He's a saint.

I just deleted a paragraph of a list of feelings followed by list of cliched responses to those feelings "Betrayed- rug pulled out from under me" but none of that is useful in writing about how the situation I've suddenly found myself in sucks.  Like literally it's the pits. The depths of despair if you're Anne of Green Gables fans.

I cried myself to sleep last night and prior to that the evening was punctuated with giant sobbing fests.

I mostly feel like a failure, like if I was a better person or less of who I am then I could have avoided this (what you can't see is that I'm waving my arms around indicating this space that I'm in...). If only I could push myself a little harder and I could've tried more to be whatever it is that I needed to be I wouldn't feel so desperate and horrified.

And on top of that of course I'm angry. I'm angry that I feel like failure for things that are so out of my control and I'm angry that if I had known what I know now I would've planned for the future better. I'm angry that I trusted and that I believed in what I should have known what was not to be. And I'm angry that I didn't trust my own instincts when I started feeling uncertain.

I feel horrible and not in the way that depression feels like, no this is external horrible which is almost worst and almost more overwhelming because I know deep down with depression the answer to stop feeling that way is somewhere inside me. But this, the problem wasn't my problem and the solution isn't the solution for me but the situation of I've been put in.

There are moments of hope, moments where I can see how things might be better for Inspector Climate and I, moments of stillness and even excitement. But they are few of these.

So here I am, feeling things.

How are you?

29 comments:

  1. wow it sounds like there is a lot youre going through. i hope it becomes easier (and if possible) simpler for you. sounds like youre processing a lot of complex emotions. sending hugs your way.
    not much is new here to be honest, just looking forward to the weekend.
    take care of yourself xx

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  2. I may not know what "that thing" is, but I hope it does not intend to hang around for a long time. Many good thoughts are headed your way, along with a hope that things will be better soon.

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  3. I hate "those things". Those external forces that take away your ability to plan, control, and manage your own affairs, because you have to engage in damage control, and work with what you have been dealt.

    I hope your situation changes for the better very soon!

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  4. Eep. Sounds awful. Hang in there. You'll get through it. You always do.

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  5. Anne of Green Gables depths of despair...! You poor thing that is absolutely terrible! Sending good thoughts your way my dear, I hope it gets better soon!

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  6. The three dogs in my house are sending you wet kisses.

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  7. My thoughts are with you, you're a wonderful person!

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  8. Ah man. :-(

    Really sorry to hear this, and it was heartbreaking reading that you're going through something hellish and painful and we can't help.

    (But if there IS any way we CAN help, don't hesitate to holla at us!)

    So sorry you're hurting. Sending you oodles of good vibes and hope it all goes away, with you coming out stronger on the other side. Please take care of yourself! ::hugs::

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  10. I'm sorry this "thing" is happening in your life right now, but I hope it gets resolved and goes away soon!

    Val @ knottieddown.com

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  11. For every misery, every failure, I make a rule. I endure the pain and make a rule so that I never repeat it again.
    The more it hurts, the more I know I've learned a lesson.

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  12. Sorry to hear about what might be happening. I hope all ends well with you

    xo Stephanie

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  13. Oh dear this doesn't sound too good. Hope you are feeling better.

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  14. The holidays are making me feel so blue. I hope you will find a way to pick yourself up and do all those wonderful things you do..like yoga and walks and gardening. Hopefully, you'll remember the good stuff and what is wonderful.

    Its just for me, I'm sure I'm full of envy. I don't mean to be. Yet, I feel everyone is having a better time of it..than me.

    Wishing you positive thoughts...and peace.

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  15. Oh dear--why is it that everything wretched seems to happen all at once? Perhaps so goodness can repay the favor!

    Just remember in your moments of sadness, there are people the whole world over sending good thoughts--and prayers for peace, hope, and joy.

    And here's hoping the good stuff will be yours soonest . . .

    xoxo

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  16. Oh no, I hope whatever it is you're going through gets resolved soon. Hang in there!

    xo, Yi-chia
    Always Maylee

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  17. Well I've been absent from here for way too long - my life this year has been going much the way you've described here - but I saw your title in my feed & had to stop by.

    I have no idea what's going on, obviously, but I have every idea of how you feel by what you described. The Mayans were right in a way - life as I knew it did come to an end in 2012. And not in a good way.

    All I'm trying to say is just know there's someone on the other side of the world completely sympathizing with this tough time. And remember: Every day may not be good. But there is something good in every day.

    Hang in there.

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  18. I sincerely hope that things get better soon. Praying for you! *hugs*

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  19. I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but this post is breaking my heart.

    If you need to get it out, my email is on my blog. Please feel free to message me.

    And whether or not you do, please know you're in my thoughts hon. Let me know if I can do anything.

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  20. Hope all goes well.I may not fully understand the depth of what you're going through but it gives me great relief whenever I read this line- "This too shall pass."

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  21. I'm sorry you are going through this. <<>>

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  22. Sorry to hear about this :( I'm hoping it blows over quickly and doesn't drag you down over the holidays.

    Please try to remind yourself that many things in life are beyond our control, and most things tend to happen for a reason. There may very well be a positive outcome for you, and when you look back on this situation in a year, or 5 years (or maybe even in just a few months), you'll realize it was just another one of life's challenges that you made it through intact :)

    Hugs, darling.

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  23. I just want to give you a serious hug right now. Those "things" are the worst...especially when they're out of your control. But still have to deal with them. UGH!

    Sending you chocolate, prayers, and all the happy thoughts I can! Xoxo

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  24. I'm sorry to hear you are going through so much. If you need someone to talk to, I'm always around! Feel free to email me.

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  25. Oh no, the depths of despair? I do remember those sleepless teary nights that Anne "with an e" had and hope you're not having any of those.

    I hate those things as well, especially when they're out of your control. But you two are dealing with it together and that's one of those very important things as well. Best of luck and let me know if I can help!

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  26. I hope the horrible feelings left over from 'the big thing' leave you soon and are replaced with happy, warm and fuzzy feelings :)

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