I reread my post from last week about the Big Thing. I was hoping that by now I'd be able to talk about it, but I'm still waiting for people who are involved to do what they need to do. I'll give them the courtesy of a few more days and after that, I feel like I can take matters into my own hands.
As I read over the post, I was reminded of why I do this in the first place. Because while I feel things now about Big Thing, they aren't nearly so intense. Had I tried to write about that day today - it would have been a less passionate account, it would have been a he-said/she-said story of what made me upset. Not the actual Upset-ness of it all.
Blogging has long been therapy for me, a place to write down how I feel so I don't explode at other people because in the real world, I tend to hold it all inside much more.
I crack jokes, and try to make the mood light hearted even if I want to cry until the tears drip off my face.
But I love that here, with all of you, I don't need to do that.
Having that kind of freedom to express myself is such a gift that you give me. A gift that I realise many people don't have at all.
So I just wanted you to know, I'm very thankful.
As an update on those feelings, over the weekend I couldn't feel anything but the sorrow of it all. The disappointment and the failure. I had a hard time falling asleep because I kept reliving every moment in my head.
Now, I feel a bit lucky that there has been a forced change on my circumstances. I feel a bit more hopeful a bit more often. There is still sadness and loss, but it is balanced by hope and freshness.