I've always thought the phrase "lost my job" is kind of odd, I mean where could it go?
Well, my job is lost. They're restructuring my organisation next year and my job isn't part of it any more.
So that's The Big Thing.
A month ago, when I asked if they were renewing my contract they said "Yes! Of course" and last week that turned into "your position is no longer."
I'm really hurt. While this job hasn't been perfection - what job is? - it is exactly what I want to be doing. I feel like I'm making difference, I feel like I'm a part of something big and important. And now it's all gone.
Not only that, but for the third year in a row I'm looking for work as the new year approaches and this makes me more devastated then I can communicate. I'm so sick of job hunting. I'm exhausted.
I'm tired of being asked "how's the job hunt going" because honestly, being unemployed is heart breaking - the ups, the downs - the stress. I feel like no matter how kind hearted people are asking how it's going, what they're really doing is judging your inability to land that elusive job.
I keep thinking that I'm over it, that I've moved on and let go of the hurt of my lost job, but then I get angry all over again. Furious that I'm here again. Furious that I lost something that I was so grateful for, something that I loved - something that I sometimes took for granted. Furious for it all. Furious and embarrassed. Even though the loss of my job has nothing to do with my performance (so they say), I'm left feeling completely inadequate. Surely, if I was better - if I hadn't brought up the "work-life" balance debate so much, if I'd worked more weekends or gone to more social events would my job be found?
Yes, here I am in the aftermath of Big Thing. And the thing that scares me most, much like all Big Things, the aftermath will be far longer and hurtful and full of indescribable highs (THAT job interview) and the lowest of lows (I didn't get it!)...Yes, the aftermath will be mathier then the Thing itself. And that doesn't even begin to cover the questions and fear I have over financial worries and concerns.
So that's it. That's the big thing. Was it what you expected?