I've been doing so well the last few months, seeing the acupuncturist truly changed my hormones and was making me a happy, non-angry, person. Hello, D, I missed you!
Well, this past month I went off the disgusting herbal tea (which was really nice because seriously, it's gross! It tastes bad AND it's inconvenient because I have to drink it 30 minutes before I eat...oy!) and things went ugly real fast.
I started to get my three month pregnant-bloat belly back - FOXY LADY! My crankiness rose exponentially. The acute pains that would shoot through my abdomen (like when you've touched an electric fence to skin that has been sliced open) came back. And don't even get me started at the crying. I told all my symptoms to my acupuncturist, from here on known as the Miracle Worker, and she said "sounds like an endo flare up to me."
And I got scared. Real scared. It hasn't even been a year since I had surgery. I can't live like this for the rest of my life, and I certainly can't put Inspector Climate through it either. To have so much improvement and then to fall off the cliff into hormonal hell again has just been, frankly, awful.
I hate having to blame my hormones for my bad behaviour, in all seriousness shouldn't I be able to control that anger? Those tears? More than anything, I'm embarrassed, I'm embarrassed I constantly have to make excuses to myself.
"Self, you're just acting this way because you're tired"
"Self, you're just grouchy because you haven't eat well today"
"Self, you're just anger because the trains are late"
I feel like things should be all fixed by now, it's almost been a year shouldn't my body have sorted itself out by now?
But then I have to remember, they didn't take all the endo out. Not even close.
If I want to get better and move on, I have to let go. I have to forgive my body for growing Jorge and Jorgitas, I have to let go of the angry and the sadness and forgive myself when it happens. Fight it, but then if I lose control of those emotions not let myself feel so guilty and terrified.
I have to let go.
And sadly, I have to start drinking the disgusting tea again.