The blogosphere is currently packed full of people writing about their New Year's resolutions (good on 'em). And while most posts are about goals that people want to meet, a few of my favourite reads are writing about purpose. Like Vanessa over at the Fiery Skull Diaries.
I'm usually pretty slack when it comes to making resolutions and I think that's because I get worried that I'll obsess over the goal. I'd be hard on myself if I didn't achieve it, when really aren't resolutions about making a better you? Not a crazed, neurotic you? I'm not set out for yearly goals, and I think that's why I find the Life List concept so much more palatable, I have a life time to achieve those goals.
But leaving that aside, it's partly because this year doesn't feel over until my job ends on the 31 January. I'm in a hanging pattern just waiting for it to be done so I can move on. And of course that's where things get scary. The thing I love most about my job is that it fills me with purpose. I'm doing something impactful. I'm fighting climate change and making a difference. And sure there are a million things that I hate, I hate that I feel guilty over the fact that I refuse to work most weekends. And I hate that how stressful it is. I hate that I can't unclench my jaw because I'm constantly worried that something is going to happen and I'll need to drop everything to jump into action. But I love that "action" all the same.
And so I'm terrified that as this job comes to close, I'll lose all sense of purpose. I'll get another job and take it, because I need a job even if it doesn't make me feel like I'm doing something about The Problem We Face. I'm worried about the guilt I'll feel if I'm not fighting at work and at home and politically, and corporately, and spiritually (kidding on the spiritually).
I'm worried that another purposeful job will leave me with teeth ground down to little itty bitty nubs, anger as my sanity leaves me with heaps of overtime, and yet a bit of fulfillment, because I know I've done what I can to save this (arms waving around).
I'm scared because I don't know what that looks like -what does a purposeful job look like that has good work life balance, that is something I can happily walk away from at the end of the day without fretting constantly on how it turns out!
And maybe if it's all so hard the purpose isn't what I think it is in the first place? That being said, climate change (well, stopping it) is my jam, yo.