Oh, Friends. I need your help! Remember when a little over a year ago, I wrote a letter to Ellen (Degeneres, but please that went without saying) asking her to officiate my wedding. Well, she was busy. Or something. Look, she honestly never even got back to me. Ouch. I know. But she's a very busy lady. So I'll forgive her.
But here's the thing. Ellen's coming to Australia in March or April to do a couple of shows and I'd LOVE to be apart of that audience. So I was hoping you could help me out and maybe tweet this post at Ellen? You can even use this little button here:
Tweet to @TheEllenShow
Hi! So, here's the truth. I'm probably not your biggest fan. Ever. In. This. World. But nonetheless I'm a fan.
I could tell you that I recently lost my job at a place that I loved where I made an impact on climate change policy in Australia and how my husband and I are living off his PhD scholarship. But I'm not here for the sob story. Because there is no sob story. We're very lucky. We happily live within our means with everything that we need and want - except a puppy.
No I can't offer you a sob story. What I can offer you is some sound advice about visiting Australia as an American. You see, I'm an American and this is the start of my sixth year living in Australia.
Like you - I met an Australian who I fell in love with. And I decided to stay here because I fell in love with Australia too - and I want you to fall in love with this very amazing country.
But first there are a few things you're going to want to know about.
1. If you order an Iced Coffee you're going to be surprised when instead of coffee with ice in it you get a coffee with milk, and ice cream and a drizzling of chocolate. Delicious? Of course! But also unexpected.
2. Light beer doesn't mean it has less calories, it means it has less alcohol.
3. The saying "Spit the dummy" has nothing to do with mannequins. I know.
4. They might say "your accent sounds like the tv" which in your case, Ellen, makes a bit more sense since you're actually ON tv.
5. You will have to declare what footy team you support upon landing in Melbourne. And I'd recommend not saying "I root for them" because well, that means something different here.
6. Wearing thongs at the beach isn't as offensive as it sounds.
7. Jelly is Jello here. Peanut Butter and Jelly just isn't a thing.
8. 'Tea' is probably the most confusing word in Australian English. If someone asks "What are you having for tea?" This answer is not "herbal" the answer is whatever you're having for dinner. Also they have breaks for Morning Tea and Afternoon Tea. During this time it is customary to nibble on some biscuits (which are not what you'd call a biscuit but really a cookie) and have a cuppa (which does actually refer to tea or coffee).
Ellen, I'd love to come to the taping of your show while you're in Australia - it would seriously be a dream come true!