Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Hey, Ellen - I still haven't received my invite. It's cool, maybe it got lost in the mail?

I just wanted to thank you (as you, loyal readers of Decoybetty) for sending Ellen tweets regarding my post that she's coming to Australia - and if you feel like doing so again:

Some of you said in the comments that I should elaborate a bit more...And I apologise if I wasn't clear on any of the points. So I thought I'd just do a follow up letter (Or beat this joke into the ground? Either one people).

Hi Ellen,

It's me again. I just don't want you to think that I told every single thing you needed to know about Australia in that previous letter. Oh no siree bob.  Also, I'm not above begging...please invite me to watch your show while you're in Melbourne? Or Sydney? I'm not fussy.

Here are a few more things you should probably know about before you land on Australian soil.

A. Don't be alarmed if you think you here some one say "That boy in that water" and they point out to sea at a great distance. For they mean Buoy. It is confusing and can be quite alarming when they (Australians that is) don't seem nearly as panicked as they should be about the boy bobbing by his lonesome out in the middle of the ocean.

B. This road sign is a thing.
I hate when kangaroos hold up my car. And then lightening rains down from the car's ceiling. But don't worry, Ellen, that's only an issue from Dusk until Dawn. Phewph.

B. When Australians cut a birthday cake, if the knife touches the bottom of the cake you have to kiss the nearest person of the opposite sex.  Which basically means you always have to kiss someone of the opposite sex because how do you NOT touch the bottom of the cake? It's a knife and you're making a slice - what are you going to do only cut 3/4 of the way down? The other traditional 'you must kiss someone if you're cutting birthday cake' is if you cut the cake and the knife comes out dirty THEN you must kiss someone. I have questions. So many questions.

C. Apparently some Australians when trying to feed eggs to their kids call them googy eggs. I just don't know.

D. To root means to fuck - Sorry, there is just no way to make that PG. It's a common mistake. I'd recommend saying that you "barrack" for a team instead of "root for them" Just saying.

E. Grilled Cheese is an open faced sandwich that one puts under the grill (which at least in my family, we called the broiler?) in the oven. A toasted sandwich is what we'd call a grilled cheese. I know you're a vegan, but it has caused me some confusion in my time.

F. Fanny in Australia is not the behind but the front. If you catch my drift. Although honestly, Ellen, this shouldn't really come up.




  1. LOL I loved this! I'm learning so many fun facts about life in Australia from you. If I ever go there, I'll act/sound like a local thanks to you!

  2. this is so funny. i never realised how different some australian customs are :) x

  3. This is hilarious! I hope you score your invite! :)

  4. We invented thongs and we named them "thongs" long before you guys or some other country in the world ever came up with those stupid uncomfortable pieces of underwear you call "thongs". Therefore, I just wish to say "Get used to the correct usage of the word "thongs". OK?

  5. I was only half-serious in my previous comment but..... I'm really glad we don't speak American (on average!) but English with our own particular twist. I'm not by any means anti-American...I just want us to remain Australian and NOT become pseudo_American, Variety is good

  6. I discovered your blog today and I look forward to reading many more interesting posts. Thank you

  7. HAHA I would love it if this became a thing you did like every other month. Hilarious!

  8. I totally get the cheese toasties and the fanny part, what with being English but there seems to be an awful lot of kissing and cakes which I'm very disappointed hasn't taken off over here.

  9. LOL I still have my fingers crossed for you that you get that invite!!

  10. WHY are you not invited to her show yet? I feel like this is such an opportunity for her. She's really missing the boat!

  11. Wow, I feel like I know so much about life Down Under now! :-) That kangaroo sign is hiliarious.

  12. Haha that is AWESOME! How have you not been invited to her show yet!?

  13. WOW...Australians have some interesting terms!!! I'll have to remember these when I take my dream trip to Australia (someday) haha!

  14. I'm so glad to know these things now. Wow, really, I had no idea. And it made me smile.

  15. I tweeted this for you :)

    Also... I loved reading this!

    Xo Lourdes

  16. Luke and I were very amused by those kangaroo signs on our trip to Tasmania last year. We thought they looked like signs for the World's Strongest Kangaroo competition.

    I've never heard the thing about kissing the nearest person if you touch the bottom while cutting the cake. I thought it was if you touch the bottom, your birthday wish won't come true. Regional differences, perhaps?

    What do Americans call buoys?

    And finally, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

  17. I didn't know about the cake cutting rules till now!

  18. The road sign with the kangaroo made me chuckle good and out loud.

    Who knew Kangaroos were so aggressive?

    I like your snark, lady.

  19. hehe...this is funny...
    i could have done with knowning about a couple of these facts before my recent trip to Australia....oh well, i still survived it!