I'm not sure why I'm writing this, only that I feel like I have to and since this is the place I write about feelings. This is it: my feelings. My family is struggling back in the states. My grandfather is fading quickly and my grandmother is not doing well. My parents seem stressed and I'm very far away from it all.
I skyped with my mom last weekend, she was at the nursing home with my grandfather while he slept. She passed her phone around and I briefly talked to my grandmother. "I love you" she said. And I said ... nothing.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've never been able to say "I love you" back to family members. Ever. It's not because I don't - I wouldn't be writing this post if I didn't, but I just can't force the words to come out of my mouth.
I remember being little and my grandmother would tell me that she loved me to the moon and back, to Mars and back, to Pluto (back when Pluto was a planet) and back. I would giggle and ask if she loved me out of this solar system and back. Yes.
I can only hope they know, know that even though I seem incapable of forming the words I'm thinking it, feeling it, breathing it.