Wednesday, May 15, 2013

To the moon and back

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, only that I feel like I have to and since this is the place I write about feelings. This is it: my feelings. My family is struggling back in the states. My grandfather is fading quickly and my grandmother is not doing well. My parents seem stressed and I'm very far away from it all.

I skyped with my mom last weekend, she was at the nursing home with my grandfather while he slept. She passed her phone around and I briefly talked to my grandmother. "I love you" she said. And I said ... nothing.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I've never been able to say "I love you" back to family members. Ever. It's not because I don't - I wouldn't be writing this post if I didn't, but I just can't force the words to come out of my mouth.

I remember being little and my grandmother would tell me that she loved me to the moon and back, to Mars and back, to Pluto (back when Pluto was a planet) and back. I would giggle and ask if she loved me out of this solar system and back. Yes.

I can only hope they know, know that even though I seem incapable of forming the words I'm thinking it, feeling it, breathing it.

25 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear this. I know exactly what it's like to be far away and it's really hard. Could you find other words instead of "I love you."? What if you just said, "To the moon and back." She'd probably know what you were getting at and it would reinforce that bond from your childhood. Just a thought. Sending positive thoughts your way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. :( i'm so sorry to hear that. of course your family knows that you love them!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am sorry to hear about this! It is so hard to be far away sometimes! I know that your Grandma knows how much you love her! Maybe it would help you to write her a letter and tell her. That's easier. At least for me.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm sure they know. I'm sure that over the years, you have found ways to express love that don't include those words. But I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been there -- it is miserable.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is one of the challenges when we're away from family. Our heart reaches out to them more than words can express. I'm sure they know how you feel.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am 100% sure that your family knows exactly how you feel about them. It must be hard to be so far away. Your grandmother sounds so sweet. I hope things get better for you soon!

    Sarah @ Life As Always

    ReplyDelete
  7. It would be overwhelming..especially, right now. Sometimes, we beat ourselves up over something like this. It does take baby steps.

    I remember how my brother used to give my mom a kiss over the phone when she'd call to check up on us. Now he can't even give any of us a hug..maybe a pat on the back if we're lucky.

    I'm sure your Mom is happy to hear from you..in anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  8. If your actions show them that you love them, then I'm sure they know. Sorry to hear your family is going through a tough time right now!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sorry to hear that your family is going through a tough time. Maybe you could write the "I love you"?

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm sorry to hear this, and I totally understand how you feel, being an expat myself. I'm lucky that my family members are all in good health for now, but I know that won't always be the case, and I honestly have no idea how I'll deal with all of the stress of that when I'm in France and they are here in Canada. We must accept and live with the choices we make in our lives, but some are so much harder than others.

    And I have a hard time saying I love you to my family as well (even more so in person than over the phone). But they know I do, and that makes me feel better :) I bet you that your family knows it too :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I am sending prayers your way...how hard it must be for you to be so far from your family right now. You put a smile on my face with your story about how your grandma would say she loved you to the moon and back...so so so sweet! Those memories are precious!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Deidre, my dear. I feel you. For some reason I feel incredibly awkward saying those words to my family so now I purposely do it at the end of phone conversations, etc but I always feel like a phony. I mean, they know. It is strange, for sure.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Your honesty is awesome. I am sure they know how much you love them and don't need to hear the words necessarily. Not the same thing,really, but my parents now kiss me whenever I see them and I am kind of not comfortable even kissing them on the cheek. But I let them kiss me on my cheek, which I always turn when they go for the lips. I think in their older age parents sometimes get more sentimental towards their children?

    PS there is a little homemade print in our nursery that says 'i love you to the moon and back' - such sweet words you got to hear from your grandmother. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ah, 'love you to the moon and back.' I told that to my wee nephew. He paused, thought for a bit, then answered, "Love you many colors." Wise fellow. Love is a many splendor-ed thing--whether we say it or not, whether we're near or far. It's what makes life easy . . . and so very hard.

    Sending a prayer or two your way!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Believe me, they know. It is translated in the way you care for them...

    ReplyDelete
  16. So sorry about your grandparents. maybe you could email your mom to pass the message on to them that you're thinking of them. Or could you see "me, too" when they say that? It's true it can be hard to say sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Aww Deidre! they know. Trust me, they do. Not everyone is as good at expressing that emotion in words, but I am positive that they know because of your actions. Keep your chin up - sending positive thoughts your way and your family will be in my prayers!

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm sure they know. I have it the same way, it feels weird saying I love you to family members, I have no problem saying it to my husband or my son, but parents... well that just seems weird.
    I hope you grandfather will get better.

    ReplyDelete
  19. It is hard sometimes, I believe that they know! Thinking of your family!

    ReplyDelete
  20. aw I'm sorry to hear they are having a hard time. Hopefully the skyp session made it feel better for both parts ! And I'm sure they know you love them ! Take care!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Im sorry to hear about your family. You're not the only one having trouble saying those words. I cant say those words to my parents and sister either. I'd like to say them but it makes me uncomfortable. I envy those who can. Anyway, I wish you and your family the best.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Of course they know! But I understand how you feel. I feel like that sometimes!

    XO Lourdes

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm sure that they know - they've known you forever. :) I'm certain that you show it in different ways and they're aware of that

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm sorry, that is so stressful. I hate not being near family during hard times. But I'm sure they are away that you are thinking and rooting for them.

    ReplyDelete