Monday, June 17, 2013

While I was sleeping

My grandfather's funeral was on Friday in the US. Which meant that it happened in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. I had a terrible time going to sleep. I sobbed and sobbed, I'd realise that I hadn't taken a breath and then my body would convulse into another giant sob. I felt  feel so guilty that I was sleeping through the service, through my parents grief, through my grand mother's heart ache - I cannot even imagine losing the person I'd been married to 65 years, my partner since I was 17.

Having attended both of Inspector Climate's grandfathers' funerals, I know that I would have learned so much about my own grandfather. I could have heard stories about his time in the Navy during World War II, how he was as a business man, uncle, and a young man.

I've spent the weekend feeling fairly desolate; I'm exhausted from loss of sleep and grief, and then there is just the general sadness of it all.


Unrelated (completely and utterly), last week was also Inspector Climate's 29th birthday. We had a gift certificate that I had won from Nuffnang to go to restaurant at Crown Casinos. We chose to go to Bistro Guillaume - because when you have a gift certificate why not get all fancy pants. I had called ahead because I wanted to make sure they could make me something gluten free and vegetarian, which is often a tough call at fancy establishments and they said they could. I'm writing about them because they had super good service and continually checked in on this allergic eater. I appreciated that. So here is some food pictures:

They also had these crazy skirt-light things which were pretty awesome.

Why yes, this is just a plate of vegetables - while I greatly appreciate their great service and attentiveness to my food allergies, I don't quite understand why just because I'm a vegetarian and gluten free all they can serve me is a plate of veggies.

The dessert was the highlight. Hello, creme caramel with passion fruit and grapefruit, let's meet again sometime.

Waiting for the train! Happy 29th birthday, Inspector Climate.

On Thursday I had a job interview (so far job interviews seem to happen after traumatic days. Like the time when I was up vomiting all night. Or the day after my grandfather dies). I pregamed for the interview with a delicious hot chocolate.

On Saturday, I spent the afternoon cuddling with my friend's puppy. Puppies make everything better.


  1. When my grandmother passed away last year and I missed the funeral, I felt so much guilt, so I know just how you feel. Don't be too hard on yourself -- I'm sure your family (like mine) totally understands the situation and isn't upset with you at all.

    On a completely unrelated comment note: that dessert and hot chocolate look amazing, and yes, puppies DO make everything better.

    Fingers crossed for the job!

  2. I'm just so sorry . . . I know, that does no good whatsoever.

    Like Crystal said, don't be too hard on yourself. I've been on the other side; here for the funerals, while my brother's been in Sweden. But you know, we felt bad that he was missing out--that he couldn't say goodbye; that we couldn't hug his neck. It's just a wretched situation all the way around.

    And we know your grandfather would just be happy that you were at home, with your husband! ;)

    Speaking of which, Happy Birthday to Inspector Climate! And kisses for that puppy who is entirely too cute!

  3. Big big hug to you Deidre and my fingers are crossed for you on your interview

  4. My family aren't really criers, so when I lost it at my grandmother's funeral last year and cried through the entire thing, they all gave me "Jeez, Kirsti, pull yourself together" looks. Also, I found out that my grandparents met through the 1940s version of internet dating and were introduced by a man named Alfred Grocock. In short, you're not alone with the crying thing, and the name Grocock will never not be hilarious.

    Also, I want to squish that puppy. Please bring it with you on Wednesday. And the hot chocolate because ZOMG AMAZING. <3

  5. So sorry for your loss.
    I hope the hot chocolate and puppies helped a little.

  6. Happy belated bday to IC!

    Recently I went to a restaurant that actually served GF rolls before dinner, on a separate dish to the bread basket for the rest of the table. YES! I hate when I get applesauce or a box of raisins for dessert on an airplane, when a square of a dark chocolate would be awesome.

    I'm so sorry you're going through so much at once <3 A hot chocolate can't make it all better, but it can help a little.

  7. I'm so sorry to here about your grandfather....I'm sending your family some prayers. How amazing that he and your grandmother were married for 65 years! WOW! Happy birthday to your Mr...looks like it was a nice night out!

  8. You didn't sleep through the service, though. Your thoughts and prayers were obviously with your family, and I hope you could feel their love with you... I'm sure they were thinking about you. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. It's okay to take time to grieve, and feel sad. But I hope you're feeling a little better now and are able to cherish the memories of your grandfather with a smile.

    Also happy birthday to Inspector Climate!

    Sarah @ Life As Always

  9. Puppies, hot chocolate and yummy desserts certainly do make everything better. Take care of yourself, my dear.

  10. Happy birthday to IC! It sounds like you guys had an amazing time!

    It breaks my heart to read this about your grandfather! Just know you are not alone. You have so many people here that are here for you if you need them! This is the best time to reach out to your family, too.

    Thinking of you!

    XO Lourdes

  11. It is really hard to deal with death when you are living abroad. Both my uncle and my husband's uncle died this year. It got me thinking, you know, that this is my parents' generation. I dread the day when I will open my email account and see a dreadful email waiting for me. I shudder now just thinking about it. How would I handle that?

    I hope I didn't depress you further; I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone and that I really fear handling death while living abroad.

  12. That hot chocolate looks fabulous and dogs...dogs make everything better! Glad you had some choco-canine therapy to help you through the day after.

  13. This is such a hard thing, to lose someone, and not be able to go to the funeral. We weren't able to attend my Grandfather's funeral, and it took a long time to find closure. I hope that you can find peace soon.

    That hot chocolate looks incredible, and I sincerely hope that your interview went well!

  14. Good luck on the interview. You and IC are looking so cute!

  15. Nice blog!


  16. I totally understand your thoughts about the funeral. I would have felt the same way although I know that your grandfather and everybody else knew that you were there, even when you were not there physically. Some things in life just suck so much and there is nothing we can do about it. I am really sorry about your loss and that you were not able to be there. But don't beat yourself up, okay! Hope you will feel better soon!

  17. The food pics are making my mouth water.

    And I hope you are holding up all right. I'm sure that was an unexplainably hard week. It's hard enough when you are there, but not being able to make it back adds a whole other element. I'm glad you've had some good things in the week to help round out the bad bits even just a tad.

  18. I'm so sorry lady :( My grandma died recently and it's hard, not because of your own loss but because of the loss you know your parents must be feeling.

  19. Hello Deidre, I am so so sorry to read about the loss of your grandfather and the pain it is causing you to be so far away from your family. I am glad that you have Inspector Climate to get through this with you. It seems that you have a strong relationship and that he is a real anchor for you right now. I am sure he is doing your grandpa proud by taking care of you at this time.

    It is actually going to be so nice for your family to have you there in a month, after everything has calmed down around them. I am sorry you missed the funeral, but you will be with your family when they need you in a month's time. Take care. You have many many people out here praying and rooting for you and your family. I am one of them.

  20. Hugs! HUGS! Hope you're holding up a little better today. Feel free to cry any time it engulfs you...I know you and the fam must be going through a helluva lotta pain.

  21. big hugs; it's so hard to lose a loved one.

  22. So sorry about the loss of your grandfather. And that you were unable to attend the funeral. This must have been very hard for you.

  23. That hot chocolate looks wonderful, a good way to take care of yourself.

  24. Sending hugs!
    That hot chocolate looks incredible. Sometimes things like that can really brighten our day. I hope the interview went well!

  25. I am sorry to hear of your Grandfathers passing (and recent funeral.)
    WTH at that restaurant. They couldn't do any better than that!? :-/
    The puppy at the end made it all better though xo

  26. I'm so sorry you couldn't be there for it.

  27. I am so sorry about your Grandpa. hugs to you!