In yoga, my body is naturally flexible at being small. I can put my feet behind my head, forward bend until my forehead touches my shins, I can twist into a little ball of arms and legs, and can flatten my chest to the floor sitting crossed legged. However, it's a struggle to be big and expressive. Poses where my legs need to stretch away from my body just aren't where my body wants to go naturally. And that's cool, because in yoga I get to work on it every day.
But today, I couldn't help but notice, I make myself small off the mat as well.
When my family is together, you'll find me sitting in the middle of them all listening. I'm quiet as they share stories about their lives, facts and statistics about the latest Patagonia coat (my brothers are really into outdoorsy stuff), and I smile as they tell jokes. It's part of our family dynamic and I've always enjoyed my quiet role. But the truth is sometimes it's because when I try to share no one hears me. I'll get talked over or interrupted. I've never been assertive enough to make my big ole family stop and listen, and that's always been ok because when I'm with them, I love hearing them talk. Other times, I want to shake everyone and shout I'm here! Listen to me!
I've had a pretty wretched month self-esteem wise. Getting out of bed now only happens after I give myself a stern talking to, and I can't figure what I'm supposed to be doing. I read on someone's blog "life isn't supposed to be easy" and I commented how I needed to hear that (was that your blog - let me know I'll link!). But I've had a lot of time to reflect and I agree life should be hard. But the way life is supposed to be hard is survival: in finding a shelter for yourself every day, finding food to sustain and nourish you, hard in that physical labour that one needs to achieve those goals. Life isn't supposed to be hard in the rejection that is unemployment, evolution could never have predicted that.
Unemployment is a devastating lesson in rejection. A lot of it comes from the employers who don't see me as their perfect candidates (the nerve), but a lot of it comes from me too. Every rejection reinforces my own self-doubt and my own anxiety over my performance as a human being. It's not pretty.
This is where in the past I'd usually make some statement of how things are going to change, how I'm going to be the change. And I will be. I just don't know what that looks like. I've been looking into yoga teaching training course, trying to decide if spending the thousands of dollars will be worth it for me - is this something I can see myself enjoying? Is teaching yoga a wise career move? Am I ready to exchange this dream to pursue something else? I don't have any answers. If there was a career in being little though, I'd have a six figure salary for sure (I originally wrote three figure salary which goes to show you how little I am to myself).