Monday, August 19, 2013

Trapeze

In the past when I've landed back in Australia from a trip away my eyes light up with the wonder and gratitude that I have the opportunity to live in a place that is 15,000 miles from where I grew up. I listen to those cute Australian accents as they multiply from the gate in LA to the air port in Melbourne. Sleep deprived and exhausted I watch the streets whizz by and then, I'm back in my other home around the world.

Whenever I talk about trips home with my mother in law she always comments that the US, NH, is no longer 'home'. Home is here in Australia. This is home. It's an offhand comment, but I respond they're both home. I know she isn't deliberately being mean, and I know she doesn't have any idea about my inner turmoil about how hard it is to live so far away from the place that made me who I am - home.

When I'm at home (the US), my family always asks...so are you going to live in Australia forever? When are you coming home for good? Are you even considering living here someday? I have no idea how to answer. Because I just don't know.

I had a teacher once who read a journal entry she wrote about her time in the Peace Corps. She wrote about how life felt like trapeze and you'd jump from one to another and in those moment between when you let go of the old trapeze and you're reaching for the new one - those truly terrifying moments where we're air born but with nothing to guide us - are the ones she appreciates most after she's made her catch. Well, at least that's the gist of what she wrote.

I'm tired of flying without knowing where/when/how the next trapeze will be in my reach. I'm exhausted - and yes, a lot of that is jet lag speaking (I went to bed at 6pm last night...and woke up at 2:30 - 4:30 and then slept until 7:30, that my friends is 11 hours of sleep. Now 6 is rolling around again and I'd like nothing more than to close my eyes).

I landed yesterday from a three week holiday in a few of the places I love I most in the world, my parents farm and our family holiday home in Cape Cod, and I despite looking for the gratitude of being back in this place (Australia), all I found was a smack in the face that was reality's welcome home.

This is month seven of unemployment...and I have to shake things up, but I don't know how to reach differently for that trapeze without compromising myself.

16 comments:

  1. From one expat to another... it's different for all of us, but rarely easy :-(

    *hugs*

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  2. Glad you're back. I'm sure it'll take a few days or week or so to get back into enjoying your schedule. I'm sure you are full of mixed emotions. Especially, how some relatives might never get what you are going through with the job search, etc. Unfortunately, life is ever changing and I'm never easy with change. It gets harder to bounce back or around. All the best.

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  3. You bet I know those feelings. I'm beginning to dread going back to Canada for the simple reason that I get asked, "So do you ever think you'll move back to Canada?" all the time. Do I want to move back? Yes. Will it actually happen because, you know, I have a husband, a job, a car, pets in France? I have no idea. I do know it's something I think about ALL THE TIME.

    Glad you enjoyed your time in the US with family. Fingers are crossed that some great new job opportunities come your way. Hugs from France.

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  4. welcome back! it'll take some time to get back into the groove of things.

    fingers crossed that some new opps come your way :)

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  5. I wish I could drop in and give you a big old hug. Or just offer you your dream job. Drop me a line if you ever want a sounding board. I'm a good listener, even over the internet. ;)

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  6. Welcome back, I missed you! And I firmly believe you'll find what you NEED when you most need it.


    P.S. I'm giving away 5 sponsor spots this week on my blog and I'd love for you to come and enter!

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  7. This really hit close to home. I had a freak out last night about my move to Melbourne in March. And everyone always asks me if I'm going to stay there forever, will I ever live in Texas again, etc. It all gets overwhelming at times! But I know I'm lucky to be going to such an incredible place...

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  8. That must be so difficult for you, being so far away from your family. I laughed the other day when I went out with a friend. We both have our own homes in Toronto but I inadvertently asked her if she had been 'home' lately, meaning to visit her parents. We both laughed about it.

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  9. I hope you had a fantastic trip! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have "homes" all over the world. But in another way you're lucky, because you have people who love you, and places you can call home, all over the world. :-)

    Sarah @ Life As Always

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  10. Hey you....such a powerful post on so many levels. Being between places, things, or whatever can just be plain hard. You are a creative person who will make a life that is beautiful wherever you live. I wish you peace.....and all the best to you!

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  11. There you are! I am glad that you got to visit your real home. You will catch that trapeze, you will!

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  12. Two parts of your heart, residing an ocean apart is never easy. I'm on the flip-side, with my brother living in Sweden.

    I'm glad you had a lovely visit. Now, on to your next adventure! I'm certain great things are in store . . . it makes sense. After all, those are usually the ones we have to wait for. Wretched luck.

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  13. Well, I hope you have recovered from the jet lag. I know how hard these past few months have been, and the emotions of not knowing exactly where to call home probably don't help. The good news, you are an amazing, strong woman with incredible support no matter where you live!

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  14. Homesickness is something I don't know if I'll ever reconcile myself with. And maybe try reaching for the trapeze at a different angle? There's something to be said for being patient. I thought I would be at my nonprofit job (also read: nonpaid) for 6 months and it ended up being 12 months. Trust me, I was one frizzy ball of stress but it really prevented me from enjoying the free time I had and now I slightly regret not taking more advantage of that and worrying too much

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  15. We live in such a far-distant country that I am alway amazed at people who take the courageous step of living here when their families are far away. As trapezes go, it must seem like a huge leap when you make the grasp for the one with the Australian accent. Good luck with your next leap. :)

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  16. Homesickness is tough. We always end up teary eyed at the airport while saying goodbye to my family or my husband's. Swinging back and forth in different countries (ours is 3 ), the upside to it is we call many places our home.

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