In the past when I've landed back in Australia from a trip away my eyes light up with the wonder and gratitude that I have the opportunity to live in a place that is 15,000 miles from where I grew up. I listen to those cute Australian accents as they multiply from the gate in LA to the air port in Melbourne. Sleep deprived and exhausted I watch the streets whizz by and then, I'm back in my other home around the world.
Whenever I talk about trips home with my mother in law she always comments that the US, NH, is no longer 'home'. Home is here in Australia. This is home. It's an offhand comment, but I respond they're both home. I know she isn't deliberately being mean, and I know she doesn't have any idea about my inner turmoil about how hard it is to live so far away from the place that made me who I am - home.
When I'm at home (the US), my family always asks...so are you going to live in Australia forever? When are you coming home for good? Are you even considering living here someday? I have no idea how to answer. Because I just don't know.
I had a teacher once who read a journal entry she wrote about her time in the Peace Corps. She wrote about how life felt like trapeze and you'd jump from one to another and in those moment between when you let go of the old trapeze and you're reaching for the new one - those truly terrifying moments where we're air born but with nothing to guide us - are the ones she appreciates most after she's made her catch. Well, at least that's the gist of what she wrote.
I'm tired of flying without knowing where/when/how the next trapeze will be in my reach. I'm exhausted - and yes, a lot of that is jet lag speaking (I went to bed at 6pm last night...and woke up at 2:30 - 4:30 and then slept until 7:30, that my friends is 11 hours of sleep. Now 6 is rolling around again and I'd like nothing more than to close my eyes).
I landed yesterday from a three week holiday in a few of the places I love I most in the world, my parents farm and our family holiday home in Cape Cod, and I despite looking for the gratitude of being back in this place (Australia), all I found was a smack in the face that was reality's welcome home.
This is month seven of unemployment...and I have to shake things up, but I don't know how to reach differently for that trapeze without compromising myself.