Last week in yoga class, the teacher was talking about integrity as being when what you feel and how you act are the same.
This shook my world, yo. So excuse me while I ramble for moment about integrity.
It doesn't seem very profound but there are circumstances in my life that are happening right now where I haven't been able to act with integrity because my heart would prefer me to say or act in a different way than I am. And the unfortunate thing about these circumstances is that if were to act the way my heart is telling me - ie with integrity - then I would probably hurt some feelings. And I'm not a big fan of hurting the people.
I think that is one of the reasons why I love the internet and why certain blogs really connect with me. The other people's blogs part is pretty self explanatory. When I read someone blog and I get to know them and I feel like they write with integrity, if they write from the heart, then I immediately connect with their blog.
But the best part is that if they don't, I don't have to act without integrity by engaging in a way that feels false to me. I get to just leave the page no feelings are hurt, no words exchange. Sometimes I wish I could work like this in the real world, and sometimes you can. Sometimes there are situations you can just 'click' and walk away from without hurting anyone and while still acting with both your heart and mind. But sometimes, sometimes you can't.
This causes me so much stress and pain. And looking back over the last few years about the most stressful situations I've been placed in, it's the times when I haven't been able to act with my heart that have made them completely disastrous (I mean for me. Sleepless nights. Weeks of wearing my grouchy pants. Crying. You know?).
I think one of the best parts of hearing this was it gave a name to so much of the pain I've been feeling and have been unable to understand why I couldn't just let go. Sometimes naming things is half the battle. So I'm sorry if this post is kind of vague and I'm sorry if it's a little weird. But this is where I sort stuff out...So you know, in a few months when I'm having a break down you can ask me "D, is the way you want to act and the way you are actually acting - are those two different things?" and chances are...I'll say, Yes.