Let's get some mundane stuff out of the way, shall we? Did you enter my giveaway? I made you hat!
Second of all, someone wrote as their survey comment "I like it when you write your real life posts, they're so raw" that is not a direct quote. In fact, I basically made it up except for the "real life posts" part. That was true.
And the truth is there is some real life going down that I'm not sharing (no, I don't have a job, no I'm not pregnant, no..no. I said no.). The reason I haven't been sharing it is because ... well, the same reason I don't share my blog with my family. I don't want them to worry about me when life gets...well life-y. But if you've ever read my about page you'd know I categorise my blog as a "feelings" blog. I write about my feelings. And I'm feeling things.
I actually started this post last week and then wrote the title "Not to be published" and put into my drafts to think about what's its done. But looky, here. I'm back writing the post. Because I'm giver. (No, I'm just a feeler - but not in a creepy handsy way, in a 'heart-stomach-gut-water-gushing-out-of-my-eyes' way).
Also small favour: I love your comments, but just this once can you try not say "it will be ok" or "you'll get a job soon"...I've been hearing it for a year (A YEAR). I know they are said with love, but in pause land - there is no nice way to say this - they feel like a slap in the face.
Every Sunday I get sad. But not for the reasons you'd think. For most people it's the beginning of weekly grind again, another Monday of going off to work.
Weekends are just the continuation of my own monotonous life and every Sunday I can't help but beat myself up a little bit. As the week ends, it just reinforces the fact that I haven't been able to make anything change. I'm still unemployed. Still without direction.
I constantly run ideas around in my mind: what could I sell, how do I make myself into a business. What else skills do I have? Who can I market them to? What avenue haven't I explored?
To top off the morose feeling of being completely stagnant, there have barely been any jobs to apply for since September. I don't have any of the hope of a job I'd like or an interview. It's just a vast expanse of Sundays where I feel like I've wasted the previously week of my life. I've hit the pause button on life and I can't find how to push play. I'm searching constantly for the thing I can do to get me out of this Pause.
If I knew there was going to be an end to this purgatory I'd feel much more able to enjoy the peaceful days at home, I'd go out and spend money on things I couldn't possibly do when I'm working. But I don't know if there is an end. I don't know how long I'll be Paused.
If we lived in our future Tassie home, I would be growing the food for our family (by family I mean Inspector Climate and me. It's a small family, but it's all we got). But we don't. I feel more of a burden than a help.
I even applied for my first retail job because I'm getting desperate. The sad thing is I probably won't get that either (in fact, I don't think I have because I have not heard a peep out of them). That is soul crushing itself.
I started volunteering (in general I hate volunteering. I'm not usually volunteering for the right reasons - you know, to do good in the world - but because I want it to lead to a job). However, in this case, it's for an organisation I love, I'm learning new skills. It's not perfect, but it's ok.
Maybe this is the real quarter (third of?) life crisis.