Friday, November 22, 2013

NaBloPoMo Day 22: Pause Land

Let's get some mundane stuff out of the way, shall we? Did you enter my giveaway? I made you hat!

Second of all, someone wrote as their survey comment "I like it when you write your real life posts, they're so raw" that is not a direct quote. In fact, I basically made it up except for the "real life posts" part. That was true.

And the truth is there is some real life going down that I'm not sharing (no, I don't have a job, no I'm not pregnant, I said no.). The reason I haven't been sharing it is because ... well, the same reason I don't share my blog with my family. I don't want them to worry about me when life gets...well life-y. But if you've ever read my about page you'd know I categorise my blog as a "feelings" blog. I write about my feelings. And I'm feeling things.

I actually started this post last week and then wrote the title "Not to be published" and put into my drafts to think about what's its done. But looky, here. I'm back writing the post. Because I'm giver. (No, I'm just a feeler - but not in a creepy handsy way, in a 'heart-stomach-gut-water-gushing-out-of-my-eyes' way).

Also small favour: I love your comments, but just this once can you try not say "it will be ok" or "you'll get a job soon"...I've been hearing it for a year (A YEAR). I know they are said with love, but in pause land - there is no nice way to say this - they feel like a slap in the face.

Every Sunday I get sad. But not for the reasons you'd think. For most people it's the beginning of weekly grind again, another Monday of going off to work.

Weekends are just the continuation of my own monotonous life and every Sunday I can't help but beat myself up a little bit. As the week ends, it just reinforces the fact that I haven't been able to make anything change. I'm still unemployed. Still without direction.

I constantly run ideas around in my mind: what could I sell, how do I make myself into a business. What else skills do I have? Who can I market them to? What avenue haven't I explored?

To top off the morose feeling of being completely stagnant, there have barely been any jobs to apply for since September. I don't have any of the hope of a job I'd like or an interview. It's just a vast expanse of Sundays where I feel like I've wasted the previously week of my life. I've hit the pause button on life and I can't find how to push play. I'm searching constantly for the thing I can do to get me out of this Pause.

If I knew there was going to be an end to this purgatory I'd feel much more able to enjoy the peaceful days at home, I'd go out and spend money on things I couldn't possibly do when I'm working. But I don't know if there is an end. I don't know how long I'll be Paused.

If we lived in our future Tassie home, I would be growing the food for our family (by family I mean Inspector Climate and me. It's a small family, but it's all we got). But we don't. I feel more of a burden than a help.

I even applied for my first retail job because I'm getting desperate. The sad thing is I probably won't get that either (in fact, I don't think I have because I have not heard a peep out of them). That is soul crushing itself.

I started volunteering (in general I hate volunteering. I'm not usually volunteering for the right reasons - you know, to do good in the world - but because I want it to lead to a job). However, in this case, it's for an organisation I love, I'm learning new skills. It's not perfect, but it's ok.

Maybe this is the real quarter (third of?) life crisis.



  1. My own job hunt last year took me twice as long as expected - it's tough to say have patience (I know a year seems like a long time). It's great that you're volunteering and keeping busy and staying productive - those things are key. Keep your chin up. It'll get better, I know it will. Keeping you in my thoughts

  2. Oh lady, I have been there. In New York, this time of year, the jobs just stop coming. And the hopelessness was just the worst. Few things in life are as depressing and frustrating as feeling stuck in a holding pattern. Thanks for sharing with us. I'm sending positive, "Get Deidre unpaused, pls" vibes out into the universe. <3

  3. That's tough. That job application job interview cycle isn't fun. We're in a different position--Angel has a job, but we want to move so we're applying for jobs in a different location so that we can move. Every day waiting for that "yes" seems to take forever and I can imagine that at some point you'd just feel hopeless.

  4. Being on Pause can't be fun at all. I'm about to start a job that my conscience and heart are completely against. I'll be earning serious negative karma points for the next year (I have to stay for a year and then I can hopefully begin the process of redeeming myself). I'm not sure if having a job that I feel horrible about is better than not having a job...that's a tough one. I can afford food but I'll have to live with some serious guilt surrounding what I'm doing. I feel like I've sold my soul to the devil and I don't even get to come out of the deal knowing how to play the guitar.

  5. I'm really sorry you haven't been able to find a job. It seems like it's so hard to find good jobs nowadays. I really do hope that it gets better for you and I'll keep you in my thoughts!

  6. I really feel you! What I've done is go back to school; but I don't fit in at 32. And I'm a new mommy. But I'm gonna give it a try.

  7. Deidre....
    Try very, very hard not to kick yourself in the butt, Friend. And watch out for Depression. In a sense, I get what you are feeling. I understand. Someone who I am in close proximity to is attending college in pursuit of something important and meaningful. I cannot become a published author. Life seems unjust sometimes, doesn't it? Keep yourself busy. Staying preoccupied will take your crazy head off of every thought/feeling/emotion. ;)

    1. "Crazy head", as in I can relate to having one!! ;)

  8. Maybe you should open a hat shop? Okay, sorry, crappy joke. I do hope I win that hat, though. I'm the same way about volunteering... I don't do it for the right reasons and then I end up resenting the experience. Maybe that's kind of normal. And frankly, there ain't nothin' wrong with retail, girl! Some of the BEST times I've had working have been in retail. Sometimes I even think about looking for a holiday retail job just 'cause it's kind of fun. That's probably weird. Anyway I'll be thinking about you this weekend and sending good thoughts and a hug your way!

    Sarah @ Life As Always

  9. Being in pause-land (unemployed) is probably the worst place I've ever been. Any one who says differently is on crack. It really is a soul crushing experience. I keep trying to think back to that time and come up with things that would help.... but to be honest nothing really helped me during that time until I got a job. It didn't help when people said it would get better, because in that moment nothing seems like it ever will. It doesn't help when people made suggestions for what to do because I was already doing them, and it just made me feel like they didn't think I was doing enough. I'm sure I was a miserable wretch of a person to be around, but somehow the people I love most (ie you and Gilbert) still stuck with me.

    In my heart I know pause-land will eventually end for you, but until then know that I'm here for you, even if it's just to share photos adorable animals!

  10. You must find a way to make yourself believe that this is only a temporary painful, uncertain time in your life. Because that's what it is. Temporary.
    When I was unemployed I viewed it as a sabbatical because I knew one day I'd be back to work. I did all the stuff at home I never had time for; reading, cooking curry, baking, selling my extraneous crap on eBay and I started my BLAHg. I distracted my worried, discouraged self with little pleasures.

  11. I remember I once wrote about how I had to consume more water for health reasons on the blog once, and at least two people seemed to think it meant I was pregnant. There are so, so many other things that could require the consumption of increased liquids! People are silly.

    If it helps, every Tuesday (the day before my one-on-one advisor meetings) I get paralyzing anxiety that prevents me from doing anything of substance. We're all going through crud and it all sucks.

    People are silly and stuff sucks. That's pretty much it.

  12. I still haven't found a "real" job. I graduated a year and a half ago and to be honest, no one is paying as well as I make in tips.Isn't that gross?

  13. You are amazing for dealing with the past year like you have! You fill your time with so many wonderful things and, even if you say it's not for the right reasons, your volunteer work sounds like yet another impressive thing to add to that list! Also, I made cookies tonight and would like to send you some. That's how I handle feelings. Mine just aren't healthy enough for you though. :) xoxo

  14. I sat on Pause for 15 months and that was the longest and worst 15 months ever. I know how you feel. It's hard. It really is and no matter what people say it doesn't help. I'm almost to pause again and that scares me! If you ever need to talk you know my email!

  15. COlon and I constantly have conversations about this. I currently have a job, but he feels I am not working to my potential.

    I am going to give it to you, though. You are doing something for the organisation that you love. I love my job but should I seek something within my field and certifications even if it doesn't make me happy?

    Question of the day!

  16. Life is so, so, challenging sometimes.