After 360 days of applying for jobs. 10 job interviews and 2 job offers I'm starting work this week. In fact by the time you read this I'll have worked my first full week of full time work. But now as I'm writing this on a Saturday afternoon while watching the tennis, I'm....scared.
It took me a few hours to figure it out. I suddenly was getting very grouchy and had to go lie down while making my lunch because I couldn't deal with finding a worm in my broccolini (I'm not melodramatic at all!). Then, after having two spiders crawl on me today, I decided I desperately needed a shower and that's when it hit me...I'm scared.
Already I feel better knowing that this malaise has a name. I also couldn't face the broccolini again and it had to go back to the fridge to be dealt with another day. Somedays are just not meant for picking out teeny worms out of your food, you know?
Being nervous about New and Change is perfectly normal (did anyone else have that children's book? About puberty with EXTREMELY graphic photographs of the changes that happen to our bodies? Or did my mom somehow find the ONLY copy of that book?).
When I start new things I always wonder "will walking up these stairs ever feel familiar?" (there seem to be always stairs) and "how long until I feel like I know what I'm doing"....basically what I wrote here.
But the stairs do become familiar and eventually I will know what I'm doing. I'm sure there will be aspects of my job I don't like, and I'm sure at times I'll feel in need of replenishing my well of SST (you didn't click the link did you? Go click the link). But I'm so grateful to be starting a new year with a new job that pays real money, I'm grateful for the butterflies in my stomach and the fear that is making me grouchy today. I'm grateful for it all.