So...I'm about to write about work without really writing about work. So, consider this fair warning: vagueness lies ahead.
One of the benefits of being incredibly passionate about my job is that when we start a new project or new campaign (one which will help to protect animals, prevent environmental degradation, and limit CO2 emissions, by the way!) I tend to get goose bumps. I get so excited and so inspired that I'm convinced that we'll win. Even though we're up against the biggest of the baddies and everything is against us – I'm so excited to get started, to get it into it. I get butterflies in my stomach.
It's like starting a new relationship, sure there will be some rough patches (like when your boyfriend laughs at you when you're crying - why, no! I haven't let that go, thanks for asking), but over all it's all possibility, anticipation, and excitement.
Well, at work we've been starting a new project. And it's a big, ya'll.
No butterflies. No excitement. Today, after a 9-5 meeting about this project – strategising and planning – I left feeling frustrated and frankly, constrained. Where was that sense of overwhelming possibility and more importantly, hope!
Someone once told me that it's basically impossible to know if we're solving the big problems, like climate change, when we're in them. But studies have shown that if you're having fun while doing it, and enjoying the work, that means progress is being made. Obviously, not every moment is fun, but overall, the process is enjoyable. That really resonated with me, because it is so hard to know if I'm making any progress at all. Do more people think that climate change is a thing? Are more people worried? Are we closer to solutions? I don't know. But 80% of the time, I'm having fun figuring it out!
Except today. Today, I'm banging my head against the wall.
After feeling quite badly about how I acted at the end of my meeting (frustrated, people, really frustrated. Someone asked me what I thought and I literally said "no thoughts, am thoughtless" As a PSA, I wouldn't recommend this response!), I had to ask myself why. WHY! Where are my butterflies? Where's the hope?
And what it all boils down to was this: This project is filled with a lot of challenges, and some of them aren't coming from external factors, they're coming from inside the house. Basically what it all comes to is that I don't feel like I can do my best work, and I hate not doing my best work. It makes me feel terrible, I feel like I'm letting my team down, my work place down, and worst of all the animals and environment I'm trying to protect.
On the plus side, I made nutella stuffed cookies.